I'm just a young woman from New Jersey who went to Brazil and fell in love, not just with the country, but with a wonderful Brasileiro from Salvador, Bahia. This is an account of how our crazy situation of living thousands of miles away is working.
I get to see him in less than a week! Finally! It was a last minute trip, just bought the ticket a little over a week ago. It didn't feel real for a while, until yesterday, when I was driving a long way and thinking about him, listening to music, and it suddenly hit me. Yes, we really are going to be together, in real life, in the same place. And it's about time! It has been a year, yes, and entire year since we've seen each other! I can't believe it. In some ways it has been torture, but it also doesn't even feel like that long. But I'm really happy, and I'll be there for a week and a half. Which isn't very long, but hey, it's better than nothing!
Oh, so many things I can't wait for. I can't wait for that first kiss (well not first kiss, but first kiss in a loooooong time). I can't wait to sit on the praia do porto, eating some queijo and drinking agua de coco. I can't wait to sit next to my love and just have a normal conversation, with subtle caresses and slaps on the arm for emphasis, with sly smiles and giggles and all those wonderful parts of expression that can't come across through the internet.
I just feel so grateful that we've finally, through all the ups and downs, gotten the chance to be together again. Only time will tell what happens in the future, how we'll figure out all the complicated parts of our relationship. But for now, I'm just excited, because it's real. It's happening. Yes! And, I will do my very best to keep you updated now that I will actually have things to share on this blog! Anyone have suggestions of things to do/places to go in Salvador? I've done most of the normal touristy things, so I'm looking for other suggestions.
I haven't updated in forever, I know! Well, it's because I haven't had much definite news to update you all on the relationship front. We hit a bit of a rocky patch for a quick minute, but all is well now! I had originally been planning on going to Brazil in September and staying for 6 months and teaching English. But that plan has been changed, and now I'm probably going sometime in the spring (probably March-ish, we'll see). It makes more sense to go then, because I can stay at my Nanny job (it's tiring but great) and save up more money before I go, and dear boyfriend is stressed with a lot right now that should settle down in a few months, so he can actually enjoy having me around.
In the meantime though, there is a really good chance that dear bf and I will FINALLY be seeing each other again! Nothing is set yet (last minute much?), but in August either I'll be going there for a week and half, or he may even come here! That would be wonderful, so he could finally meet my family and friends, and be able to see what the U.S. is like. But he's told me before that he may come (twice) and it never worked out. So I'm not holding my breath. If he can't come, it's fine, I'll just go there, because I already have the time off work. So either way, I'm pretty sure we'll see each other! I'm wary even writing this now though, even thinking about it too much, because it has been so long since we've seen each other and it seems like every time we try to plan a visit, something falls through, and I'm crushed. So until the plane tickets are purchased, visas are granted, blah, blah, blah, I don't want to let myself get too excited. Which is kind of sad, because I want to be excited. But I just can't feel let down again. Not let down by him, but just let down by the situation. So is there hope? Oh yes! But I'm trying to keep it all in, wait it out, even though inside I keep wishing "please make this work, please make this happen!"
The past week has been absolute madness, and really the past month I've been sooo busy (and I thought things would calm down after I graduated, ha!), and that's my excuse for not being active. Let's see, in the past week, I have gotten a ticket for driving the wrong way on a one way street (oops! I swear I didn't know, and no I'm not stupid), driven 8+ hours in one day, that same night gotten a call that my boss was going into labor a week early and needed me to come in to spend the night with the one year old, worked literally around the clock with two, two hour breaks in three days, gotten woken up by a crying baby almost every morning, stubbed my toe and bruised it reallllly bad, and oh, I finally came home to find my laptop dead! See? I told you life has been crazy! Plus, the only stuff going on relationship related was personal stuff that I just don't feel the need to share here (I do have my limits), sorry guys!
So, as more exciting things happen, I will try to keep updated more. And yeah, I say that every time. Well, I'm working on it, ok?
Lately, both dear bf and I have been having work issues. Mine being that I had no work, because I had no job! For months I've been planning to be a Nanny for the summer (U.S. summer that is, June-August). I became a member of several babysitting/nannying websites, and often sent messages in response to job postings. But I received hardly any responses, despite the fact that I am highly qualified! Yeah, degree in education, years babysitting, time spent in many many classrooms, but still people didn't respond! It was also tricky because I'm taking a photography class two nights a week (more on that later) in New York (I live in New Jersey, but very close to NYC), so I'd have to leave work at 4pm two days a week, which is tricky when you have two working parents that need someone there with the kids. Then there were a lot of people who wanted a long term commitment (1-2+ years), which I wasn't willing to do. There were others who only wanted a couple days a week, and I really needed as much work as possible to save up some money because I'm broke right now. Then, there were those who were offering practically nothing for pay, and with my qualifications I wasn't willing to settle that low. Maybe I was being picky, but hey, I think I'm worth something, and I don't think I was expecting too much!
So starting the beginning of this past week, I still had nothing set for the summer and I was getting anxious. I was stressed. I had called a summer camp/family center/daycare I had previously worked for in High School to see if they had any positions open (even with the lousy pay, I figured it would be better than nothing), but they never called back. So I decided to check out craigslist for non-childcare related jobs, and found a couple office jobs that looked promising. On Monday, I called and set up two interviews for Tuesday. Not ten minutes later, I get a call from a woman about a Nanny job! She wanted to meet right away, so I set up an interview with her on Tuesday as well! So yeah, I spent monday night refining my resume and making a few different versions, printing directions, and just feeling nervous. I ended up running around the whole day to these interviews, and they actually went well! One was really intense because the company was expanding and they were interviewing around 30 people at the same time for several positions. I ended up getting offered a full time position there as a marketing trainee, basically going to people's houses and selling them products. I originally went there to interview for a part-time clerical office position! I was pleasantly surprised. At that point, I didn't know yet whether I was being offered the Nanny position, but had a good feeling about it. The family seemed wonderful.
Long story short, I have a job! I declined the marketing position, because it wasn't something I was all that interested in, and the family for the Nanny job seems wonderful and the pay is good, although not as great as the other position. Plus, I wasn't looking for a full time position, just something for the summer (more on that in another post). I'll be working mostly with a 1 year old girl (she is ADORABLE!),and the 9 year old girl when she's home in the afternoons. The mom is also expecting another baby in 6 weeks, so she'll be home, but obviously busy (I don't have to care for the newborn). I'm not worried about the Mom being home because I really like her a lot, she seems great. So that's a releif! I start tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes!
I'm taking this photography class though, and it's cool, but way harder and more time-consuming than I expected! It's film photography, so we process and develop our own film, which is awesome, but really complicated and takes such a long time! It's going to be tricky trying to fit that in with the job because I need to go into the lab (in NY) separate from class to do some of the work. So I think my sunday afternoons and evenings are going to be spent there every week! Once I get some good prints, maybe I'll try to scan them if I'm feeling confident. We have a critique on Tuesday (yeah, this is serious), so wish me luck, I'm so nervous!
Now for the second half of the work woes, which doesn't have such a happy ending, unfortunately. So, aside from being tired of his job as an accountant and kind of bored there, dear bf is having other issues with his job. For months now, we've been hoping that he could come visit me here in July. You see, he works full time and goes to law school at night, so he's busy, which makes it hard for him to come for a visit. But he has 'winter' break from school in July, so he figured he could get time off from work and come then. He works for a state government agency, and apparently after working there for several years (which he has) you get the right to up to 3 months leave. So he applied for leave for just one month in July, and they denied it. He went and talked to them, and they basically said that they didn't have anyone to replace him, so he couldn't leave. Ridiculous! First of all, they owe him that leave, he has a right to it! And second of all, he's an accountant. Now, I imagine he's probably good at his job, but it's not like he's a rocket scientist or something, can it be that hard to find a replacement accountant?? So he appealed the decision, and they ever so nicely replied with, 'well, ok, you can have off in August.' Great. He starts classes again in August. There's a reason he chose July! He told me that it was really unlikely he'd be able to come in August. Big bummer. Ughh, so now he had the visa appointment all the way in Recife (a flight away), and payments already made for that. He was supposed to have the visa interview on Thursday, but we've both been so busy and out and about that I haven't even had the chance to talk to him to see how it went! Not that it matters anyway...
So basically, they're jerks at his job, and I'm bummed that I don't get to see him and that he doesn't get to come here and visit, meet my family and friends, and just get to understand my life better. I can explain as much as I want, but there's nothing like being in a place to be able to understand it. Hopefully someday he'll get here, but at this point, I don't think it'll be anytime soon. So yeah, that sucks.
I'm not totally distraught though, because I do have a little something up my sleeve, and will probably be seeing him in a few months, but you'll have to wait to hear more about that until things are set, I don't want to jinx it!
For the past several months, I have been content. Dear boyfriend and I were separated by a long distance, living on different continents, but I was fine with how things were going. I missed him, but that intense longing that previously consumed me was gone, because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now don't get the wrong idea, there's no trouble in paradise. And most days I still feel content, because despite the distance, he makes me happy, and I love him like I never realized I could love anyone. But today is not one of those days. Not because of anything he did or didn't do, but because it's just one of those days that I need him. A day that I wish he was by my side, and not on the other side of my computer. Today, I graduated college. I wish he could have been there before I lined up with my fellow graduating seniors, to reassure me that no, I wasn't going to trip. I wish he could have watched me walk across that stage and cheer when I received my diploma. I wish he could have been there afterwards, to give me a giant hug of congratulations. And most of all, I wish he could be here right now, while I'm alone in my room after saying goodbye to many of my closest friends without knowing when I'll ever see them again. I wish he could be here to celebrate and take my mind off the sadness that is hanging around my like a little cloud, because it's finally becoming real that I'm leaving this place that has really been home to me for the past four years, and leaving some of the most important people in my life. But he couldn't be here. He has work, and school, and lives waaaaay too far away to just come on over for the weekend!
So for now, I'll have to keep faith that we will see each other soon. But that almost makes the longing worse, because knowing the end is in sight makes me want it to be here already. Enough waiting around, I'm ready. I can't wait for the day when sharing these special events is a no-brainer, because we'll be together, and there will be no question whether we'll be able to see each other.
I'll stop complaining now, because I know that I've got something and someone special, and I'm grateful for that. And I'm really proud of myself for graduating college! I'm just in one of those funks...I guess it's about time, it's been a while since I've really missed him this much!
So I just finished watching the most depressing episode of the t.v. show Private Practice , and I decided I needed to do a little something positive. So why not post to my semi-neglected blog and share/celebrate the fact that I'm graduating college? As a side note, I can't tell you how nice it was to go out last night with friends (I usually work friday nights), sleep in today, and then laze around and watch three t.v. shows! It has been ages since I've done that!
I'm done. I wrote my last paper, took my last final exam, pulled my last (two) all-nighters. What a relief, it was really down to the wire there, so glad crunch time is over!
So yeah, I'm graduating! It's crazy, and great, and terrifying, and sad, and a relief, and by next weekend when I actually graduate, I'm sure I'll be more emotional than a bi-polar, hormonal pregnant woman.
Right now it's just finally really hitting me. Everyone has moved out of the dorms except seniors and reunion workers. I said goodbye to my underclass friends, realizing that I may never see some of them again. And I've been avoiding thinking about leaving my closest senior friends. We still have a week (oh my goodness, we only have a week!) left together. Luckily, we get a 'senior week' gap in between finals and graduation, and me and a few friends are going to a friend's lake house in New Hampshire. I'm so grateful to have this time to spend with my closest friends to just hang out and enjoy each other's company without worrying about the paper that's due tomorrow or the meeting I have to go to in 20 minutes. But it still makes me sad not knowing when we'll see each other again. At the same time, these are some of the people I love most in this world, and I have no doubt we'll stay in touch.
It's not just sad, it's scary too. Even though I have a rough plan for after graduation (more on that in another post), it's terrifying realizing that suddenly I'm supposed to be a 'grown up.' Up to this point, my life has been more or less planned out for me. Elementary school, middle school, high school, college...those were all given things in my life (and I was luckily to be in a position to have that privilege). Now, suddenly, it's up to me. I get to decide. In one sense, that is so empowering. On the other hand, it's overwhelming, choosing the direction of the rest of my life! Now, realistically, I know this isn't 'the rest of my life,' I'm sure no matter what I do now immediately after college there will be surprises and changes. But there is still that pressure of "so what are you doing after graduation?" And actually, I'm pretty excited about my plans. I'll tell you about those later. But I'm not gonna lie, it's still nerve-wracking!
As ridiculous as my range of emotions is right now, I still know that I'm ready to graduate. I love this place, Mount Holyoke, and if I had to decide again I would still have come here, but a lot of the time it is a really stressful environment, and I'm really happy to take a break from academics. I'm tired of studying. That doesn't mean I never want to be a student again, because it's really a special experience and there have been times where I've really enjoyed it. But right now, even though it's intimidating to go into the 'working world,' I'm so ready to be done with papers and exams and reading 23/7.
So here goes....one week left until I'm officially done with college!
So, generally, things have been going really well with dear boyfriend. We're both busy, but we talk as much as we can, and we still enjoy each other's 'company' (in quotes because it's not like we're actually together physically). And he's taking steps towards getting the visa to possibly come visit, which is great. But yesterday, something really strange happened. I learned something about him, about his past, that I had absolutely no idea about! Now, don't let your imagination run wild, it was nothing terrible, he's not some axe murderer, nor was he abused as a child or anything awful like that. And no, he doesn't have a dozen illegitimate children running around. I just won't put the details here because I think he would rather keep that information private (hence the reason he never talked about it in over a year of dating!). But it surprised me. Maybe even shocked me. It was something that was a big part of his life for a while, but I think he'd rather forget and move on. I can understand that, but I felt this strange sense of betrayal. Like he had been holding back from me all this time. All this time, I thought I knew him, knew who he was and what he was all about, and this just threw me off.
Now, I know that wasn't his intention at all, I think he really just had moved on with a different part of his life and doesn't really think about it anymore, and it's not something that comes up in everyday conversation. It only came up because of something relevant made him share it. He said when asked, he'll be honest and talk about it, but it's not something he ever brings up. And he was honest and told me all about it, answered all of my questions without hesitation. I told him that I wasn't mad, but just really surprised, and he apologized, explaining that he didn't mean to hold anything back from me.
In my heart of hearts, I know it is really no big deal. But I still can't help but feel uneasy, like the person I thought I knew is suddenly someone slightly different. And it makes me wonder what else I don't know about him. But then I think about it, and I realize that this is what makes relationships entertaining and interesting, that there is always more to learn about someone, that it is a continual process of learning...right?
Has anything like this ever happened to you? What do you think? Sorry for the cryptic ambiguity, I just don't want to betray his trust and spill out his whole life story to the world, when it was obviously something he doesn't really like sharing even with the closest people in his life!
So, I know I was supposed to stay away from the blog until finals are over, but I just couldn't help myself!
Although I loved the illustration of the two characters floating with the heart balloon, the blog just seemed to boring and normal-looking. I wanted something a little more spiffy! So...here it is, what do you think? I like the tabs along the top, and just thinks it looks so much more professional! I still have a little tweaking here and there to do (anyone know how to make the comments look less squished together), but I think I like it.
I know, I have been completely MIA! Sorry ladies and gents, I know you must have been seriously disappointed, when you looked for my posts every single day and saw nothing! Just a hint of sarcasm there... Yeah, it's been two months (crap!) since I've posted. I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus, and put the blog on hold for now. But don't fret, I will definitely be back! This has nothing to do with changes in my relationship (actually, things have never been better), but life is just crazy for me right now! I'm a senior in college, finishing my last semester. I need to graduate here! Basically, I've been stressed and busy, and frankly, I've felt like I don't have much to write about. All is quiet on the relationship front. Things are great, but I have nothing to update you on. And I don't really know what to write about.
So, come May 24th, the day after I graduate, I'll post again (promise!). By then, I should have some definite life decisions made and I may have some more exciting news for you (think going to Brazil...maybe). But until then, I need to hit the books. Trust me, I'd much rather be filling cyber-space with my ramblings, but I just can't right now!
So, please, wait with baited breath. I promise, I'll be back!
There's something to be said for a really good, long conversation. I had one of those with dear boyfriend on our anniversary, and after a week of craziness due to Carnaval happening in Brazil (and him being out partying for a few nights and then away at the beach without internet access) it was just what we needed! We had hardly talked for a week because of both our schedules and the fact that we only communicate online so it can be hard when one person doesn't have internet access. I was especially bummed on Valentine's day because we didn't get to talk, and we didn't even celebrate it much. That's understandable, because we celebrated "Dia dos namorados," which is the Brazilian equivalent of valentine's day, but in June. Plus, I didn't really mention to dear boyfriend how much of a big deal it is here in the U.S., because I didn't really think it would be a big deal, but when the day rolled around I just felt bummed that we weren't together and that he didn't even acknowledge it (again, my fault). In fact, the only thing one of the few things I got for Valentine's day was a card from my Grandma oh so subtly hinting about how my relationship is a bad idea and going to Brazil would be a mistake, and finding a job in the U.S. would be so much better. But that's a story for another day. Just gotta throw out there though, as much as she can be a pain, I love my Abuela (Grandma), and she's been getting a little better about not being rude when she buds in (buts in?) to my love life.
But, I'm not complaining, because dear bf and I have been having some really enjoyable conversations lately and it's just nice! Not that we don't normally enjoy talking to each other, but I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder...you'd think I'd have figured that one out by now! We talked about the future, about me going there, about him coming to visit here, and about all sorts of funny and entertaining things, including a random discussion of which Portuguese word for 'procrastinate' would be appropriate to use at dinner with the President (don't ask, we're weird). And to top it all off, he got a new computer (a cute little 10in netbook) that has a built in webcam! Which means, it also has a working microphone, so we can actually talk while we're on webcam! And he can use skype to call me. Today I managed to convince him to be less shy of using the webcam (he's generally just not a camera person)and I got to see him for a while, which was so nice. Let's see how long that lasts.
Anyway, things are good. That's all. Okay, maybe not all I'll leave you with this song and music video that never fails to make me smile: Ja sei Namorar by Os Tribalistas (lyrics and translation can be found here)
I haven't forgotten about this blog, I swear! It's the beginning of the semester and I've just been getting into the swing of things, so I got a little distracted! Plus, every time I've thought about how I should write a new post, I didn't know what to write about. To be honest, I still don't really know what I'm going to write about, but I guess I'll just give a little personal update.
Things are still going quite well with dear boyfriend. Right now we're in the process of figuring out the next steps in our relationship and what's going to happen when I graduate this May. As of right now, the likely plan is that I'll find a summer job to save up some money, and then go to Brazil in August/September. I think I'll be staying for about 6 months and teaching English. I would consider staying longer if I thought it were possible, but because of complicated visa issues, it probably isn't. So 6 months it is. I think my parents are happy about that limitation, haha. It should be a bit of a trial run for our relationship, actually being close distance and seeing each other all the time. We're still unsure of what the living situation for us will be, there are so many questions to consider: Do we move in together? If we do, do we rent an apartment, or just rent a room? Is it better to wait and not take that huge leap? Right now dear bf lives with his parents (totally normal in Brazil, even at 25, and is often done until people get married). So we'll see what happens. And of course there's the wondering about how it will feel to be close and not in this LDR anymore. I imagine it might be kind of odd at first, but I know there will be moments of heaven (and probably even a few of hell...but hopefully those will be few and far between!) and I think it will be well worth it.
It's nearly our one year anniversary (yay!) and almost valentines day (boo--I've still never been actually together with any guy on valentine's day, but at least I have someone to celebrate). It's been about 6 months since we've seen each other, and it's actually kind of hard to believe. On the one hand, it's agonizing not to be together, not being able to look longingly into each other's eyes, slip my fingers between his, and do all that sappy but oh-so-enjoyable stuff. On the other hand, I think we've (at least I can speak for myself) gotten used to the distance, and it's become pretty normal. I still miss him like crazy, but somehow I don't feel desperate to see him. Of course, if I had the option, I'd hop on a plane right this second, but my point is that we're making it work, and I think we're about as happy as we could be given the situation! Sadly, it's likely to be at least another 5 months, if not 6 or 7 (eek!) before we see each other again. Plane tickets are really pricey (at least US$1200 this time of year if not more, and almost never under US$800), I have school, he has a full time job and school, so it's just so hard to see each other! The good news is that there is a slight possibility that he'll be able to come visit me here in the U.S. this summer, and while I don't want to get my hopes up, that would be AWESOME!
Basically, it's not an ideal situation, but life is good. We love each other, we're communicating well (hasn't always been so), we miss each other but are taking the distance in stride, and we have hope for the future.
Anybody else out there in an LDR? How are things going for you?
As an aside, I think dear boyfriend met up with my friend from college today, the one who is studying abroad there and delivering my anniversary present to him. He knows that I'm sending something through her, but he has no idea what it is, and was dying to know (but he wasn't hearing a peep out of me!). I can't wait to see his reaction!!!
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