For the past several months, I have been content. Dear boyfriend and I were separated by a long distance, living on different continents, but I was fine with how things were going. I missed him, but that intense longing that previously consumed me was gone, because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now don't get the wrong idea, there's no trouble in paradise. And most days I still feel content, because despite the distance, he makes me happy, and I love him like I never realized I could love anyone. But today is not one of those days. Not because of anything he did or didn't do, but because it's just one of those days that I need him. A day that I wish he was by my side, and not on the other side of my computer. Today, I graduated college. I wish he could have been there before I lined up with my fellow graduating seniors, to reassure me that no, I wasn't going to trip. I wish he could have watched me walk across that stage and cheer when I received my diploma. I wish he could have been there afterwards, to give me a giant hug of congratulations. And most of all, I wish he could be here right now, while I'm alone in my room after saying goodbye to many of my closest friends without knowing when I'll ever see them again. I wish he could be here to celebrate and take my mind off the sadness that is hanging around my like a little cloud, because it's finally becoming real that I'm leaving this place that has really been home to me for the past four years, and leaving some of the most important people in my life. But he couldn't be here. He has work, and school, and lives waaaaay too far away to just come on over for the weekend!
So for now, I'll have to keep faith that we will see each other soon. But that almost makes the longing worse, because knowing the end is in sight makes me want it to be here already. Enough waiting around, I'm ready. I can't wait for the day when sharing these special events is a no-brainer, because we'll be together, and there will be no question whether we'll be able to see each other.
I'll stop complaining now, because I know that I've got something and someone special, and I'm grateful for that. And I'm really proud of myself for graduating college! I'm just in one of those funks...I guess it's about time, it's been a while since I've really missed him this much!
So I just finished watching the most depressing episode of the t.v. show Private Practice , and I decided I needed to do a little something positive. So why not post to my semi-neglected blog and share/celebrate the fact that I'm graduating college? As a side note, I can't tell you how nice it was to go out last night with friends (I usually work friday nights), sleep in today, and then laze around and watch three t.v. shows! It has been ages since I've done that!
I'm done. I wrote my last paper, took my last final exam, pulled my last (two) all-nighters. What a relief, it was really down to the wire there, so glad crunch time is over!
So yeah, I'm graduating! It's crazy, and great, and terrifying, and sad, and a relief, and by next weekend when I actually graduate, I'm sure I'll be more emotional than a bi-polar, hormonal pregnant woman.
Right now it's just finally really hitting me. Everyone has moved out of the dorms except seniors and reunion workers. I said goodbye to my underclass friends, realizing that I may never see some of them again. And I've been avoiding thinking about leaving my closest senior friends. We still have a week (oh my goodness, we only have a week!) left together. Luckily, we get a 'senior week' gap in between finals and graduation, and me and a few friends are going to a friend's lake house in New Hampshire. I'm so grateful to have this time to spend with my closest friends to just hang out and enjoy each other's company without worrying about the paper that's due tomorrow or the meeting I have to go to in 20 minutes. But it still makes me sad not knowing when we'll see each other again. At the same time, these are some of the people I love most in this world, and I have no doubt we'll stay in touch.
It's not just sad, it's scary too. Even though I have a rough plan for after graduation (more on that in another post), it's terrifying realizing that suddenly I'm supposed to be a 'grown up.' Up to this point, my life has been more or less planned out for me. Elementary school, middle school, high school, college...those were all given things in my life (and I was luckily to be in a position to have that privilege). Now, suddenly, it's up to me. I get to decide. In one sense, that is so empowering. On the other hand, it's overwhelming, choosing the direction of the rest of my life! Now, realistically, I know this isn't 'the rest of my life,' I'm sure no matter what I do now immediately after college there will be surprises and changes. But there is still that pressure of "so what are you doing after graduation?" And actually, I'm pretty excited about my plans. I'll tell you about those later. But I'm not gonna lie, it's still nerve-wracking!
As ridiculous as my range of emotions is right now, I still know that I'm ready to graduate. I love this place, Mount Holyoke, and if I had to decide again I would still have come here, but a lot of the time it is a really stressful environment, and I'm really happy to take a break from academics. I'm tired of studying. That doesn't mean I never want to be a student again, because it's really a special experience and there have been times where I've really enjoyed it. But right now, even though it's intimidating to go into the 'working world,' I'm so ready to be done with papers and exams and reading 23/7.
So here goes....one week left until I'm officially done with college!
So, generally, things have been going really well with dear boyfriend. We're both busy, but we talk as much as we can, and we still enjoy each other's 'company' (in quotes because it's not like we're actually together physically). And he's taking steps towards getting the visa to possibly come visit, which is great. But yesterday, something really strange happened. I learned something about him, about his past, that I had absolutely no idea about! Now, don't let your imagination run wild, it was nothing terrible, he's not some axe murderer, nor was he abused as a child or anything awful like that. And no, he doesn't have a dozen illegitimate children running around. I just won't put the details here because I think he would rather keep that information private (hence the reason he never talked about it in over a year of dating!). But it surprised me. Maybe even shocked me. It was something that was a big part of his life for a while, but I think he'd rather forget and move on. I can understand that, but I felt this strange sense of betrayal. Like he had been holding back from me all this time. All this time, I thought I knew him, knew who he was and what he was all about, and this just threw me off.
Now, I know that wasn't his intention at all, I think he really just had moved on with a different part of his life and doesn't really think about it anymore, and it's not something that comes up in everyday conversation. It only came up because of something relevant made him share it. He said when asked, he'll be honest and talk about it, but it's not something he ever brings up. And he was honest and told me all about it, answered all of my questions without hesitation. I told him that I wasn't mad, but just really surprised, and he apologized, explaining that he didn't mean to hold anything back from me.
In my heart of hearts, I know it is really no big deal. But I still can't help but feel uneasy, like the person I thought I knew is suddenly someone slightly different. And it makes me wonder what else I don't know about him. But then I think about it, and I realize that this is what makes relationships entertaining and interesting, that there is always more to learn about someone, that it is a continual process of learning...right?
Has anything like this ever happened to you? What do you think? Sorry for the cryptic ambiguity, I just don't want to betray his trust and spill out his whole life story to the world, when it was obviously something he doesn't really like sharing even with the closest people in his life!
Posted by
Elena B.
4:53 PM
So, I know I was supposed to stay away from the blog until finals are over, but I just couldn't help myself!
Although I loved the illustration of the two characters floating with the heart balloon, the blog just seemed to boring and normal-looking. I wanted something a little more spiffy! So...here it is, what do you think? I like the tabs along the top, and just thinks it looks so much more professional! I still have a little tweaking here and there to do (anyone know how to make the comments look less squished together), but I think I like it.
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