I get to see him in less than a week! Finally! It was a last minute trip, just bought the ticket a little over a week ago. It didn't feel real for a while, until yesterday, when I was driving a long way and thinking about him, listening to music, and it suddenly hit me. Yes, we really are going to be together, in real life, in the same place. And it's about time! It has been a year, yes, and entire year since we've seen each other! I can't believe it. In some ways it has been torture, but it also doesn't even feel like that long. But I'm really happy, and I'll be there for a week and a half. Which isn't very long, but hey, it's better than nothing!
Oh, so many things I can't wait for. I can't wait for that first kiss (well not first kiss, but first kiss in a loooooong time). I can't wait to sit on the praia do porto, eating some queijo and drinking agua de coco. I can't wait to sit next to my love and just have a normal conversation, with subtle caresses and slaps on the arm for emphasis, with sly smiles and giggles and all those wonderful parts of expression that can't come across through the internet.
I just feel so grateful that we've finally, through all the ups and downs, gotten the chance to be together again. Only time will tell what happens in the future, how we'll figure out all the complicated parts of our relationship. But for now, I'm just excited, because it's real. It's happening. Yes! And, I will do my very best to keep you updated now that I will actually have things to share on this blog! Anyone have suggestions of things to do/places to go in Salvador? I've done most of the normal touristy things, so I'm looking for other suggestions.
For the past several months, I have been content. Dear boyfriend and I were separated by a long distance, living on different continents, but I was fine with how things were going. I missed him, but that intense longing that previously consumed me was gone, because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now don't get the wrong idea, there's no trouble in paradise. And most days I still feel content, because despite the distance, he makes me happy, and I love him like I never realized I could love anyone. But today is not one of those days. Not because of anything he did or didn't do, but because it's just one of those days that I need him. A day that I wish he was by my side, and not on the other side of my computer. Today, I graduated college. I wish he could have been there before I lined up with my fellow graduating seniors, to reassure me that no, I wasn't going to trip. I wish he could have watched me walk across that stage and cheer when I received my diploma. I wish he could have been there afterwards, to give me a giant hug of congratulations. And most of all, I wish he could be here right now, while I'm alone in my room after saying goodbye to many of my closest friends without knowing when I'll ever see them again. I wish he could be here to celebrate and take my mind off the sadness that is hanging around my like a little cloud, because it's finally becoming real that I'm leaving this place that has really been home to me for the past four years, and leaving some of the most important people in my life. But he couldn't be here. He has work, and school, and lives waaaaay too far away to just come on over for the weekend!
So for now, I'll have to keep faith that we will see each other soon. But that almost makes the longing worse, because knowing the end is in sight makes me want it to be here already. Enough waiting around, I'm ready. I can't wait for the day when sharing these special events is a no-brainer, because we'll be together, and there will be no question whether we'll be able to see each other.
I'll stop complaining now, because I know that I've got something and someone special, and I'm grateful for that. And I'm really proud of myself for graduating college! I'm just in one of those funks...I guess it's about time, it's been a while since I've really missed him this much!
So, generally, things have been going really well with dear boyfriend. We're both busy, but we talk as much as we can, and we still enjoy each other's 'company' (in quotes because it's not like we're actually together physically). And he's taking steps towards getting the visa to possibly come visit, which is great. But yesterday, something really strange happened. I learned something about him, about his past, that I had absolutely no idea about! Now, don't let your imagination run wild, it was nothing terrible, he's not some axe murderer, nor was he abused as a child or anything awful like that. And no, he doesn't have a dozen illegitimate children running around. I just won't put the details here because I think he would rather keep that information private (hence the reason he never talked about it in over a year of dating!). But it surprised me. Maybe even shocked me. It was something that was a big part of his life for a while, but I think he'd rather forget and move on. I can understand that, but I felt this strange sense of betrayal. Like he had been holding back from me all this time. All this time, I thought I knew him, knew who he was and what he was all about, and this just threw me off.
Now, I know that wasn't his intention at all, I think he really just had moved on with a different part of his life and doesn't really think about it anymore, and it's not something that comes up in everyday conversation. It only came up because of something relevant made him share it. He said when asked, he'll be honest and talk about it, but it's not something he ever brings up. And he was honest and told me all about it, answered all of my questions without hesitation. I told him that I wasn't mad, but just really surprised, and he apologized, explaining that he didn't mean to hold anything back from me.
In my heart of hearts, I know it is really no big deal. But I still can't help but feel uneasy, like the person I thought I knew is suddenly someone slightly different. And it makes me wonder what else I don't know about him. But then I think about it, and I realize that this is what makes relationships entertaining and interesting, that there is always more to learn about someone, that it is a continual process of learning...right?
Has anything like this ever happened to you? What do you think? Sorry for the cryptic ambiguity, I just don't want to betray his trust and spill out his whole life story to the world, when it was obviously something he doesn't really like sharing even with the closest people in his life!
I haven't forgotten about this blog, I swear! It's the beginning of the semester and I've just been getting into the swing of things, so I got a little distracted! Plus, every time I've thought about how I should write a new post, I didn't know what to write about. To be honest, I still don't really know what I'm going to write about, but I guess I'll just give a little personal update.
Things are still going quite well with dear boyfriend. Right now we're in the process of figuring out the next steps in our relationship and what's going to happen when I graduate this May. As of right now, the likely plan is that I'll find a summer job to save up some money, and then go to Brazil in August/September. I think I'll be staying for about 6 months and teaching English. I would consider staying longer if I thought it were possible, but because of complicated visa issues, it probably isn't. So 6 months it is. I think my parents are happy about that limitation, haha. It should be a bit of a trial run for our relationship, actually being close distance and seeing each other all the time. We're still unsure of what the living situation for us will be, there are so many questions to consider: Do we move in together? If we do, do we rent an apartment, or just rent a room? Is it better to wait and not take that huge leap? Right now dear bf lives with his parents (totally normal in Brazil, even at 25, and is often done until people get married). So we'll see what happens. And of course there's the wondering about how it will feel to be close and not in this LDR anymore. I imagine it might be kind of odd at first, but I know there will be moments of heaven (and probably even a few of hell...but hopefully those will be few and far between!) and I think it will be well worth it.
It's nearly our one year anniversary (yay!) and almost valentines day (boo--I've still never been actually together with any guy on valentine's day, but at least I have someone to celebrate). It's been about 6 months since we've seen each other, and it's actually kind of hard to believe. On the one hand, it's agonizing not to be together, not being able to look longingly into each other's eyes, slip my fingers between his, and do all that sappy but oh-so-enjoyable stuff. On the other hand, I think we've (at least I can speak for myself) gotten used to the distance, and it's become pretty normal. I still miss him like crazy, but somehow I don't feel desperate to see him. Of course, if I had the option, I'd hop on a plane right this second, but my point is that we're making it work, and I think we're about as happy as we could be given the situation!
Sadly, it's likely to be at least another 5 months, if not 6 or 7 (eek!) before we see each other again. Plane tickets are really pricey (at least US$1200 this time of year if not more, and almost never under US$800), I have school, he has a full time job and school, so it's just so hard to see each other! The good news is that there is a slight possibility that he'll be able to come visit me here in the U.S. this summer, and while I don't want to get my hopes up, that would be AWESOME!
Basically, it's not an ideal situation, but life is good. We love each other, we're communicating well (hasn't always been so), we miss each other but are taking the distance in stride, and we have hope for the future.
Anybody else out there in an LDR? How are things going for you?
As an aside, I think dear boyfriend met up with my friend from college today, the one who is studying abroad there and delivering my anniversary present to him. He knows that I'm sending something through her, but he has no idea what it is, and was dying to know (but he wasn't hearing a peep out of me!). I can't wait to see his reaction!!!
Funny thing, once I started dating a Brazilian (and after falling in love with the country), all things Brazil started to jump out at me. Suddenly my eyes so easily spotted the acai juice on the shelf at the health food store and the Brazilian restaurant in a neighboring town; my ears easily perked up at the sound of people speaking portuguese (wait, "is that portuguese? yup!") on the subway in New York.
But it hasn't just been things related to Brazil that I have been noticing, it's also people! When I got home from my second trip to Brazil in August, it turned out my mom was going to be helping advise a Brazilian girl who was visiting for the year on the same high school exchange program I did a while ago (I went to Costa Rica though). Of course I was excited to meet her, and I shyly but excitedly practiced my portuguese and talked up her wonderful country and showed her around New York a bit. We later ended up going to Brazilian Day in New York (huge festivities, so much fun! think food and music and Brazilians enjoying it!). The same day I met her at the exchange program's event, we both met another girl who had been in Angola for quite some time (a year perhaps) and was engaged to an Angolan guy. A year ago I could have cared less, but hearing that there was someone else crazy enough to be in a long distance relationship and communicate in portuguese was very comforting. Then, of course, there are my friends from college, who I met through a once a week gathering at 'portuguese table' and have since thoroughly enjoyed chatting them up and reminiscing about Brazil! Plus, they always have great language tips and have provided me with a lot of insight on Brazil and its people. Not to mention they're just sweethearts and so much fun! I feel so greatful to have them in my life! I also have a friend from college who studied in Brazil (in Salvador, where Isaque lives), loved it, and is continuing relationship with her Brazilian beau from a distance too. Then there's another girl (who I haven't met but heard about through a Brazilian friend at school) who also studied abroad in Chile, when to Salvador, and is also dating a baiano (a guy from Bahia, the state where Salvador is located)! See? I'm not the only one! I'm telling you, those Brazilian guys are dangerously irresistible, no one leaves Brazil without one!
Traveling in general has made me more aware of how connected we all are, but since going to Brazil I've realized what a small world it really is! Yesterday, I met up with friend who did the same program as me in Chile last semester and was visiting from out of town. She was stying with her college roommate, who joined us for lunch. Turns out her roommate studied in Sao Paulo last semester, now also has a Brazilian bf, and knows two of my college friends who studied in Brazil last semester (one of whom was mentioned above)! Unbeleiveable! Then, I get home and I'm talking online to a college friend who is getting ready to study in Brazil next semester (in the same program as the last girl) and it turns out her host mother knows a friend of mine who also lives in Salvador. My *one* friend in Salvador besides Isaque, and she knows him! It's crazy how our lives are interconnected. I totally beleive that six degrees of seperation stuff!
Anyway, my point is, going to Brazil and dating a Brazilian have opened up my life to all these new connections and I find it pretty neat!
Or that's what I wanted to say when I showed off the photos of the scrapbook (anniversary gift for dear boyfriend) I finished this afternoon. Only one problem: I forgot to take the pictures. Oops! I was in a rush to finish it before meeting up with my friend who is studying in Salvador, Brazil next semester and will hand over the goods to dear boyfriend in February, closer to our anniversary. I'm no expert, but I do enjoy doing crafty things, even though I have terrible follow through and usually leave projects have-finished. I managed to actually finish this one, and in just a couple days! Actually, I did most of it in one day.
Just wanted to share my excitement because I think it turned out pretty great, and I can't tell him yet! So, two months from now, when dear boyfriend finally gets the gift, I'll make him take pictures. Yup, gonna leave you in suspense (gasp! I'm sure that is sooo dissapointing!).
It was a warm, tropical, Wednesday evening in Salvador da Bahia, Brazil; February 18th, 2009. I was on vacation traveling around South America and it was the night before the famous 'carnival' was to begin. I was hanging out with my friend R, who I was staying with, his roommate, and a couple of their friends. And while I certainly was enjoying the Brazilian eye candy, I wasn't planning on meeting that someone 'special' on this trip. But apparently fate already had different plans.
So, we were walking down the street, looking for a fun spot to stop, listen to live music, and dance (you can find music and dancing all over the place, in the streets, this time of year in Salvador). Suddenly, R's roommate spotted an old friend of his walking along by himself. They greeted each other, and his friend decided to tag along with our group.
The moment I saw him, I had to keep my jaw from dropping. He was so handsome! He had a brilliant smile that practically lit up the street at dusk (or at least in my imagination it did!). Even his eyes smiled. He was just a bit taller than me, and had beautiful milk-chocolaty brown skin, and a perfect little nose. And of course, being the coward that I am when it comes to guys, there was no way I was going to approach him and introduce myself.
Luckily for me, after our group walked for a little while and stopped to buy drinks, he approached me. He introduced himself and asked about me. I was shy, trying to explain in my broken Portuguese (or more like fluent Spanish trying to throw in any Portuguese I knew!) who I was and what I was doing there. But he didn't laugh at my silly mistakes or move on to talk to someone else when it took me several minutes to make simple things understood. He was patient, and sweet, and really made an effort to talk to me. We ended up laughing about our miscommunications and somehow still understanding each other perfectly. Then, we ended up in different conversations with different people as we walked along the road that hugged the coast and watched the waves roll in. But even while I was talking to other people, I'd find myself occasionally searching for him.
Eventually, we all found a big crowd of people listening to a live performance of a woman singing samba and other Brazilian music. So, of course we stopped and started dancing and singing just like everyone else! The atmosphere was buzzing with happiness and positivity. And he was nice, but I didn't think I had a chance. I mean, there were gorgeous, half-naked Brazilian girls dancing all around us. Why would he choose me? He was standing a few feet away near some of our other friends, and as I danced I would occasionally look at him, wishing he'd come dance with me. Once in a while our eyes would lock and I would quickly, awkwardly look away.
Finally, he came over to me. Inside, I panicked. I got what I wished for, now what? But I just kept dancing, and he started dancing with me, charming me with his sweet smile and quick feet. After dancing together for some time, exchanging shy smiles and occasionally trying to talk over the loud music, he asked me if he could kiss me. I replied with something like, "No, I hardly even know you!" to which he replied by wittily attempting to give me his entire life story in two minutes. He rambled on in Portuguese and I struggled to keep up, but the whole time that smile of his and the gleam of his eye was luring me in! And at the end of him filling me in he said "there, now you know who I am!" Of course, he was half-joking, but it was quite charming. I have no idea how much time passed, but we danced the night away, and eventually I did give in to a kiss. And that was definitely the right choice because oh was it wonderful!
Once the music died down, we all decided to go to the beach and he and I continued to talk and learn about each other. At the end of the night (or should I say the beginning of the morning, since it was almost dawn!) he drove me back "home." When he asked if when he would see me again, my heart skipped a beat from excitement. We decided to meet the next day on the beach at two o'clock.
What seemed like a logical plan at 6am after an exhausting night out turned out to be a pretty bad one. You see, we obviously needed to sleep, and me and the friends I was staying with didn't even wake up until two o'clock. So by the time we got ourselves together and got to the beach, it was already past three. Not to mention this was summer and carnival and the beach was packed. I looked around as we walked trying to find a spot to sit, but there were people everywhere. How was I ever going to find him? Eventually I gave up and sat down. As I went for a swim, I kept an eye out for him, but had no luck. Then I laid out working on my tan, still hoping I'd see him pass by, but nothing. Sad that I'd probably ever see this guy again, I laid down for a nap.
Sometime later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I opened my eyes, and sure enough, it was him! In my blurry-eyed, discombobulated, just-woke-up state, I somehow asked him "how did you find me?" He just smiled and said he had walked up and down the beach a few times until he spotted me! I think I was in a state of shock. He had cared enough to search for me among the throngs of people! We talked and swam, until it started raining. Then we ran through the warm, tropical rain shower into an ice cream shop, leaving my friends behind. Well, we spent my last four days together seeing the city and just having a wonderful time.
He made me laugh, he made sure I knew how beautiful I was, he was sincere, he was sweet, he took care of me, he made me feel safe, he was passionate, he was so intelligent, and most of all, he made me happy.
But then I had to leave. It was the saddest moment of my month-long trip traveling around South America. Tears were streaming down both of our faces, and we were stuck in an embrace that we didn't want to end. I was feeling hopeless, thinking that this could never possibly work. But after I left Brazil, he was all I could think about. We stayed in touch, and although I didn't ever expect it to turn into a serious relationship, he convinced me that what we had was too special to give up. Back in August I had the (unexpected) chance to go visit him for 3 weeks, and seeing him again for the first time since we had met was amazing! We had a wonderful time together and the three weeks passed much more quickly than we wanted! So here we are, nine months later, going strong as a couple. There have definitely been some really big bumps in the road, and at times it's been a struggle, but it has been worth it.
Posted by
Elena B.
10:20 AM
I'm waiting. I should be writing a paper for a class, but instead I decided to start this blog. I'm waiting because boyfriend (bf) has an interview today at the embassy in Rio de Janeiro to try and get a visa so that he can come visit me here in the U.S. And, let me tell you, it is so nerve-wracking! Now, I imagine it's nerve-wracking for him too, but I'm just stuck here twiddling my thumbs until I hear from him. Or until I give in and call him, whichever comes first. But I'm not sure what time his interview appointment is, so I figure I should at least wait until later if I'm going to give in and call.
So I continue to sit here, depressed that I've read all the blog entries I can find on having a brasileiro boyfriend or living in Brasil as a foreigner. I know, I'm a dork. But it usually distracts me from the fact that we're thousands of miles apart and lets me indulge in daydreaming about the day we'll be together.
Except that daydreaming can get me in trouble, because i've already started planning out all the places I want to take dear bf to and all the things I want him to experience. A couple days running around "The City" (New York, of course!) taking in the usual sites. A quick tour of my town, passing by my High School, the Library, and good old Cedar Lane. And then there's the food that he has to try: the best Pizza ever (because Pizza in Brazil just isn't the same), the tastiest ice cream you've ever had (from Bischoff's ice cream parlour, of course), and all the 'ethnic' (oh, do I dislike that term used in this context! And yet I use it...) cuisine that he hasn't had the chance to try before. Ok, not all, because we would be in restaurants for days and we'd both return home penniless, but Thai and Indian are musts, simply because they are my favorites. Then there's everything to see up in Massachusetts, where I go to college. I want to show him my (gorgeous) campus, take him to my favorite spots, show him the cute college towns of the Pioneer Valley. And let's not forget that it will be winter, and Northeast U.S. winter at that. I imagine witnessing him seeing and touching snow for the first time. Will he love it? We'll go sledding, then he'll love it. Will he be miserable in the below freezing temperatures? I theorize he'll be thrilled for the first ten minutes, and after that he'll be frozen!
And then I find myself thinking about him meeting my family and friends. He hardly speaks any English, so will it be funny? Awkward? Probably a little bit of both. But will he, and they, still enjoy it? Will they be happy to have this chance to interact, to meet the other important people in my life? I hope so.
And then I wonder if all this would make our relationship even stronger. If him seeing my world, my life, will give him a better understanding of who I am. And I hope it will, because it feels like it's difficult for him to fully know me, no matter how much I explain, without simply experiencing at least parts of my life.
And of course, there are the thoughts of how wonderful it will be to finally be together again in person. To have the chance to look into each other's eyes, to feel the way my hand fits into his, to be able to kiss the man I love.
As my daydreaming carries me away, I am always pulled away at some point, forced to remember that nothing is for sure yet. Hell, I don't even know if he'll get the visa, if he'll have the chance to come. But I have to expect, hope, think that he will, because I can't bear to think about the alternative. No matter what happens, life will go on, we'll still be the same couple, crazily in love and trying to make this work. But I have to think positive. So I'm letting those worries go, or at least trying to.
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