I'm just a young woman from New Jersey who went to Brazil and fell in love, not just with the country, but with a wonderful Brasileiro from Salvador, Bahia. This is an account of how our crazy situation of living thousands of miles away is working.
For the past several months, I have been content. Dear boyfriend and I were separated by a long distance, living on different continents, but I was fine with how things were going. I missed him, but that intense longing that previously consumed me was gone, because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now don't get the wrong idea, there's no trouble in paradise. And most days I still feel content, because despite the distance, he makes me happy, and I love him like I never realized I could love anyone. But today is not one of those days. Not because of anything he did or didn't do, but because it's just one of those days that I need him. A day that I wish he was by my side, and not on the other side of my computer. Today, I graduated college. I wish he could have been there before I lined up with my fellow graduating seniors, to reassure me that no, I wasn't going to trip. I wish he could have watched me walk across that stage and cheer when I received my diploma. I wish he could have been there afterwards, to give me a giant hug of congratulations. And most of all, I wish he could be here right now, while I'm alone in my room after saying goodbye to many of my closest friends without knowing when I'll ever see them again. I wish he could be here to celebrate and take my mind off the sadness that is hanging around my like a little cloud, because it's finally becoming real that I'm leaving this place that has really been home to me for the past four years, and leaving some of the most important people in my life. But he couldn't be here. He has work, and school, and lives waaaaay too far away to just come on over for the weekend!
So for now, I'll have to keep faith that we will see each other soon. But that almost makes the longing worse, because knowing the end is in sight makes me want it to be here already. Enough waiting around, I'm ready. I can't wait for the day when sharing these special events is a no-brainer, because we'll be together, and there will be no question whether we'll be able to see each other.
I'll stop complaining now, because I know that I've got something and someone special, and I'm grateful for that. And I'm really proud of myself for graduating college! I'm just in one of those funks...I guess it's about time, it's been a while since I've really missed him this much!
So I just finished watching the most depressing episode of the t.v. show Private Practice , and I decided I needed to do a little something positive. So why not post to my semi-neglected blog and share/celebrate the fact that I'm graduating college? As a side note, I can't tell you how nice it was to go out last night with friends (I usually work friday nights), sleep in today, and then laze around and watch three t.v. shows! It has been ages since I've done that!
I'm done. I wrote my last paper, took my last final exam, pulled my last (two) all-nighters. What a relief, it was really down to the wire there, so glad crunch time is over!
So yeah, I'm graduating! It's crazy, and great, and terrifying, and sad, and a relief, and by next weekend when I actually graduate, I'm sure I'll be more emotional than a bi-polar, hormonal pregnant woman.
Right now it's just finally really hitting me. Everyone has moved out of the dorms except seniors and reunion workers. I said goodbye to my underclass friends, realizing that I may never see some of them again. And I've been avoiding thinking about leaving my closest senior friends. We still have a week (oh my goodness, we only have a week!) left together. Luckily, we get a 'senior week' gap in between finals and graduation, and me and a few friends are going to a friend's lake house in New Hampshire. I'm so grateful to have this time to spend with my closest friends to just hang out and enjoy each other's company without worrying about the paper that's due tomorrow or the meeting I have to go to in 20 minutes. But it still makes me sad not knowing when we'll see each other again. At the same time, these are some of the people I love most in this world, and I have no doubt we'll stay in touch.
It's not just sad, it's scary too. Even though I have a rough plan for after graduation (more on that in another post), it's terrifying realizing that suddenly I'm supposed to be a 'grown up.' Up to this point, my life has been more or less planned out for me. Elementary school, middle school, high school, college...those were all given things in my life (and I was luckily to be in a position to have that privilege). Now, suddenly, it's up to me. I get to decide. In one sense, that is so empowering. On the other hand, it's overwhelming, choosing the direction of the rest of my life! Now, realistically, I know this isn't 'the rest of my life,' I'm sure no matter what I do now immediately after college there will be surprises and changes. But there is still that pressure of "so what are you doing after graduation?" And actually, I'm pretty excited about my plans. I'll tell you about those later. But I'm not gonna lie, it's still nerve-wracking!
As ridiculous as my range of emotions is right now, I still know that I'm ready to graduate. I love this place, Mount Holyoke, and if I had to decide again I would still have come here, but a lot of the time it is a really stressful environment, and I'm really happy to take a break from academics. I'm tired of studying. That doesn't mean I never want to be a student again, because it's really a special experience and there have been times where I've really enjoyed it. But right now, even though it's intimidating to go into the 'working world,' I'm so ready to be done with papers and exams and reading 23/7.
So here goes....one week left until I'm officially done with college!
So, generally, things have been going really well with dear boyfriend. We're both busy, but we talk as much as we can, and we still enjoy each other's 'company' (in quotes because it's not like we're actually together physically). And he's taking steps towards getting the visa to possibly come visit, which is great. But yesterday, something really strange happened. I learned something about him, about his past, that I had absolutely no idea about! Now, don't let your imagination run wild, it was nothing terrible, he's not some axe murderer, nor was he abused as a child or anything awful like that. And no, he doesn't have a dozen illegitimate children running around. I just won't put the details here because I think he would rather keep that information private (hence the reason he never talked about it in over a year of dating!). But it surprised me. Maybe even shocked me. It was something that was a big part of his life for a while, but I think he'd rather forget and move on. I can understand that, but I felt this strange sense of betrayal. Like he had been holding back from me all this time. All this time, I thought I knew him, knew who he was and what he was all about, and this just threw me off.
Now, I know that wasn't his intention at all, I think he really just had moved on with a different part of his life and doesn't really think about it anymore, and it's not something that comes up in everyday conversation. It only came up because of something relevant made him share it. He said when asked, he'll be honest and talk about it, but it's not something he ever brings up. And he was honest and told me all about it, answered all of my questions without hesitation. I told him that I wasn't mad, but just really surprised, and he apologized, explaining that he didn't mean to hold anything back from me.
In my heart of hearts, I know it is really no big deal. But I still can't help but feel uneasy, like the person I thought I knew is suddenly someone slightly different. And it makes me wonder what else I don't know about him. But then I think about it, and I realize that this is what makes relationships entertaining and interesting, that there is always more to learn about someone, that it is a continual process of learning...right?
Has anything like this ever happened to you? What do you think? Sorry for the cryptic ambiguity, I just don't want to betray his trust and spill out his whole life story to the world, when it was obviously something he doesn't really like sharing even with the closest people in his life!
So, I know I was supposed to stay away from the blog until finals are over, but I just couldn't help myself!
Although I loved the illustration of the two characters floating with the heart balloon, the blog just seemed to boring and normal-looking. I wanted something a little more spiffy! So...here it is, what do you think? I like the tabs along the top, and just thinks it looks so much more professional! I still have a little tweaking here and there to do (anyone know how to make the comments look less squished together), but I think I like it.
I know, I have been completely MIA! Sorry ladies and gents, I know you must have been seriously disappointed, when you looked for my posts every single day and saw nothing! Just a hint of sarcasm there... Yeah, it's been two months (crap!) since I've posted. I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus, and put the blog on hold for now. But don't fret, I will definitely be back! This has nothing to do with changes in my relationship (actually, things have never been better), but life is just crazy for me right now! I'm a senior in college, finishing my last semester. I need to graduate here! Basically, I've been stressed and busy, and frankly, I've felt like I don't have much to write about. All is quiet on the relationship front. Things are great, but I have nothing to update you on. And I don't really know what to write about.
So, come May 24th, the day after I graduate, I'll post again (promise!). By then, I should have some definite life decisions made and I may have some more exciting news for you (think going to Brazil...maybe). But until then, I need to hit the books. Trust me, I'd much rather be filling cyber-space with my ramblings, but I just can't right now!
So, please, wait with baited breath. I promise, I'll be back!
There's something to be said for a really good, long conversation. I had one of those with dear boyfriend on our anniversary, and after a week of craziness due to Carnaval happening in Brazil (and him being out partying for a few nights and then away at the beach without internet access) it was just what we needed! We had hardly talked for a week because of both our schedules and the fact that we only communicate online so it can be hard when one person doesn't have internet access. I was especially bummed on Valentine's day because we didn't get to talk, and we didn't even celebrate it much. That's understandable, because we celebrated "Dia dos namorados," which is the Brazilian equivalent of valentine's day, but in June. Plus, I didn't really mention to dear boyfriend how much of a big deal it is here in the U.S., because I didn't really think it would be a big deal, but when the day rolled around I just felt bummed that we weren't together and that he didn't even acknowledge it (again, my fault). In fact, the only thing one of the few things I got for Valentine's day was a card from my Grandma oh so subtly hinting about how my relationship is a bad idea and going to Brazil would be a mistake, and finding a job in the U.S. would be so much better. But that's a story for another day. Just gotta throw out there though, as much as she can be a pain, I love my Abuela (Grandma), and she's been getting a little better about not being rude when she buds in (buts in?) to my love life.
But, I'm not complaining, because dear bf and I have been having some really enjoyable conversations lately and it's just nice! Not that we don't normally enjoy talking to each other, but I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder...you'd think I'd have figured that one out by now! We talked about the future, about me going there, about him coming to visit here, and about all sorts of funny and entertaining things, including a random discussion of which Portuguese word for 'procrastinate' would be appropriate to use at dinner with the President (don't ask, we're weird). And to top it all off, he got a new computer (a cute little 10in netbook) that has a built in webcam! Which means, it also has a working microphone, so we can actually talk while we're on webcam! And he can use skype to call me. Today I managed to convince him to be less shy of using the webcam (he's generally just not a camera person)and I got to see him for a while, which was so nice. Let's see how long that lasts.
Anyway, things are good. That's all. Okay, maybe not all I'll leave you with this song and music video that never fails to make me smile: Ja sei Namorar by Os Tribalistas (lyrics and translation can be found here)
I haven't forgotten about this blog, I swear! It's the beginning of the semester and I've just been getting into the swing of things, so I got a little distracted! Plus, every time I've thought about how I should write a new post, I didn't know what to write about. To be honest, I still don't really know what I'm going to write about, but I guess I'll just give a little personal update.
Things are still going quite well with dear boyfriend. Right now we're in the process of figuring out the next steps in our relationship and what's going to happen when I graduate this May. As of right now, the likely plan is that I'll find a summer job to save up some money, and then go to Brazil in August/September. I think I'll be staying for about 6 months and teaching English. I would consider staying longer if I thought it were possible, but because of complicated visa issues, it probably isn't. So 6 months it is. I think my parents are happy about that limitation, haha. It should be a bit of a trial run for our relationship, actually being close distance and seeing each other all the time. We're still unsure of what the living situation for us will be, there are so many questions to consider: Do we move in together? If we do, do we rent an apartment, or just rent a room? Is it better to wait and not take that huge leap? Right now dear bf lives with his parents (totally normal in Brazil, even at 25, and is often done until people get married). So we'll see what happens. And of course there's the wondering about how it will feel to be close and not in this LDR anymore. I imagine it might be kind of odd at first, but I know there will be moments of heaven (and probably even a few of hell...but hopefully those will be few and far between!) and I think it will be well worth it.
It's nearly our one year anniversary (yay!) and almost valentines day (boo--I've still never been actually together with any guy on valentine's day, but at least I have someone to celebrate). It's been about 6 months since we've seen each other, and it's actually kind of hard to believe. On the one hand, it's agonizing not to be together, not being able to look longingly into each other's eyes, slip my fingers between his, and do all that sappy but oh-so-enjoyable stuff. On the other hand, I think we've (at least I can speak for myself) gotten used to the distance, and it's become pretty normal. I still miss him like crazy, but somehow I don't feel desperate to see him. Of course, if I had the option, I'd hop on a plane right this second, but my point is that we're making it work, and I think we're about as happy as we could be given the situation! Sadly, it's likely to be at least another 5 months, if not 6 or 7 (eek!) before we see each other again. Plane tickets are really pricey (at least US$1200 this time of year if not more, and almost never under US$800), I have school, he has a full time job and school, so it's just so hard to see each other! The good news is that there is a slight possibility that he'll be able to come visit me here in the U.S. this summer, and while I don't want to get my hopes up, that would be AWESOME!
Basically, it's not an ideal situation, but life is good. We love each other, we're communicating well (hasn't always been so), we miss each other but are taking the distance in stride, and we have hope for the future.
Anybody else out there in an LDR? How are things going for you?
As an aside, I think dear boyfriend met up with my friend from college today, the one who is studying abroad there and delivering my anniversary present to him. He knows that I'm sending something through her, but he has no idea what it is, and was dying to know (but he wasn't hearing a peep out of me!). I can't wait to see his reaction!!!
So, continuing on the theme of my last post (languages), here's another about portuguese. I'm so excited! I get to take a Portuguese class this semester! Finally, I get to take an actual class! Learning on your own is better than nothing, but now I get to continue with that and get some actual instruction.
It wasn't easy to get to this point though, you wouldn't believe the hoops I had to jump through to take a Portuguese class in college! First of all, this is my last semester (I'm a senior) and I didn't think I'd even have room in my schedule for it, but things changed and now I do. I go to a college that is in the "5 College area" and I can take classes at the other colleges as well, which is great because my school doesn't offer Portuguese. So I tried to take a "Portuguese for Spanish speakers" class at Smith College, but its the only class of its kind in the five colleges and is so freakin popular that i couldn't get in the THREE different semesters I've tried! Really frustrating. So then I tried to take the Elementary Portuguese class, but it's a year-long course and they don't accept people mid-year. FINALLY, I was able to register for a class at the University of Massachusetts. It's Elementary Portuguese II, and I'm supposed to have taken the first semester of it, but because of my level of Portuguese knowledge, the professor is making an exception. THANK GOD!
I just feel so frustrated at my level of portuguese right now! I'm fluent in Spanish, so I picked it up fairly quickly, and I've definitely learned a lot, but I feel stuck. I'm at the point where I can have a decent conversation without sounding like a total fool, but I often get stuck on vocab I don't know for non-everyday things and I'm pretty much stuck in the present and preterite tenses. I'm not at all confident when I talk. And although Brazilians have told me "Voce fala muito bem, como aprendeu?" (You speak really well, how did you learn?), I think Brasileiros tend to be very polite and overly nice about that type of thing. I talk to Dear BF in portuguese all the time, but we chat (type) online because it's easier and he doesn't have a microphone for skype. So my writing and reading is much better than my speaking and comprehension. Although I have gotten a lot of help with that from some Brazilian friends here at school, but now a few of them have gone to study in France, which means less practice for me :(. I just wish that it were as easy for me to speak Portuguese as it is to speak Spanish. I think I can get there (or almost there) someday. I don't want to have to be thinking for words all the time, to have tons of trouble telling a story or talking about the future, or always be asking 'O que?!?!' with a confused look on my face. And I'm hoping this class can help bump me up a level in my language ability!
Entao, me desejam boa sorte com as aulas de portugues! (So, wish me luck with the Portuguese classes)! Beijos, Elena
Since, as I've mentioned before, dear boyfriend speaks pretty limited English, I figured I'd write a post about how I've been learning Portuguese and what resources have been useful. Maybe this one will actually be useful to all you readers *cough- all one of you- cough* out there!
Well, I guess I should give some background of how I'm able to even communicate with dear bf. Before I first went to Brazil, I was very interested in learning portuguese. English is my first language, but I'm completely fluent in Spanish and grew up hearing it spoken to me. So I decided to take a portuguese for spanish speakers class, but the class filled up quickly and I couldn't get into it. So instead I bought a ste of those 'learn portuguese!' CD's and listened to them (although not nearly as much as I had planned) before I left. But when I arrived in Brazil, I was totally lost! My first week I was glued to my phrasebook, and fumbled along. But slowly but surely, I began figuring out the key differences between portuguese and spanish and started feeling slightly more comfortable with it. And by the time I met dear bf, after being in the country for just a week and a half, I was able to get by (especially due to the help of my lovely host R, who spoke English and taught me so much portuguese). It probably sounds crazy, but I guess I should also give a little credit to my genes, because my mom is great with languages and speaks 5! Plus, having a significant other who speaks the language really is the best motivation! By the way, I've been teaching myself by practicing with friends (really the best way to learn) and doing stuff online, and I can hold a pretty good conversation now! I struggle a bit, and I'm sure I often sound silly, but I've made a lot of progress!
There are a lot of resources out there to help you learn another language, and portuguese in particular, but these are just a few of my favorite. Please feel free to comment with any that I've missed! So, time to hit the books (or should I say pages?)!
Helpful FREE Language Learning Resources (for many languages):
Since we've spent most of our time apart, chatting online has been the easiest way to keep in touch. Wordreference.com is my best friend, and I keep it open all the time to look up words I don't know (but I'm needing it less and less these days!).
LiveMocha - Although I haven't used it steadily, this website is great! It basically has lessons that you sign up for on your level, then uses a flashcard/picture strategy to teach you words/phrases and then you can do speaking and writing excersizes to practice. But the coolest part of the website is the social aspect, where native speakers can review your submissions and you can chat with them as well, and you in turn pay it forward to others.
The following is a list of websites/blogs that I don't use as often, but still have a lot of great information! In no particular order:
Helpful FREE Language Learning Resources for BRAZILIAN PORTUGUESE:
Street Smart Brazil - The website of a Portuguese language school in San Francisco, that also does skype classes, the blog has a lot of useful advice from native speakers! They also have forums which aren't super active yet, but have alot of potential.
Portuguese Blog - great blog with lots of different ways to learn, including news, music videos with lyrics, games, and more!
English this way! - just discovered this blog recently, and it's targeted more towards portuguese speakers learning english, but just as useful for learning portuguese. It covers phrases and sayings that are less common and can be difficult to find a translation for. Plus, Fabio is really nice!
Eyes on Brazil - this is a blog about all things Brazil, but there are several "Tricky Words & Verbs" entries that are super helpful!
Well, that's all folks! I think that should keep you (and me) occupied for a while! Going through my old bookmarks for this entry I found a bunch of sites I hadn't looked at in a long time! Boa Sorte!
Funny thing, once I started dating a Brazilian (and after falling in love with the country), all things Brazil started to jump out at me. Suddenly my eyes so easily spotted the acai juice on the shelf at the health food store and the Brazilian restaurant in a neighboring town; my ears easily perked up at the sound of people speaking portuguese (wait, "is that portuguese? yup!") on the subway in New York.
But it hasn't just been things related to Brazil that I have been noticing, it's also people! When I got home from my second trip to Brazil in August, it turned out my mom was going to be helping advise a Brazilian girl who was visiting for the year on the same high school exchange program I did a while ago (I went to Costa Rica though). Of course I was excited to meet her, and I shyly but excitedly practiced my portuguese and talked up her wonderful country and showed her around New York a bit. We later ended up going to Brazilian Day in New York (huge festivities, so much fun! think food and music and Brazilians enjoying it!). The same day I met her at the exchange program's event, we both met another girl who had been in Angola for quite some time (a year perhaps) and was engaged to an Angolan guy. A year ago I could have cared less, but hearing that there was someone else crazy enough to be in a long distance relationship and communicate in portuguese was very comforting. Then, of course, there are my friends from college, who I met through a once a week gathering at 'portuguese table' and have since thoroughly enjoyed chatting them up and reminiscing about Brazil! Plus, they always have great language tips and have provided me with a lot of insight on Brazil and its people. Not to mention they're just sweethearts and so much fun! I feel so greatful to have them in my life! I also have a friend from college who studied in Brazil (in Salvador, where Isaque lives), loved it, and is continuing relationship with her Brazilian beau from a distance too. Then there's another girl (who I haven't met but heard about through a Brazilian friend at school) who also studied abroad in Chile, when to Salvador, and is also dating a baiano (a guy from Bahia, the state where Salvador is located)!See? I'm not the only one! I'm telling you, those Brazilian guys are dangerously irresistible, no one leaves Brazil without one!
Traveling in general has made me more aware of how connected we all are, but since going to Brazil I've realized what a small world it really is! Yesterday, I met up with friend who did the same program as me in Chile last semester and was visiting from out of town. She was stying with her college roommate, who joined us for lunch. Turns out her roommate studied in Sao Paulo last semester, now also has a Brazilian bf, and knows two of my college friends who studied in Brazil last semester (one of whom was mentioned above)! Unbeleiveable! Then, I get home and I'm talking online to a college friend who is getting ready to study in Brazil next semester (in the same program as the last girl) and it turns out her host mother knows a friend of mine who also lives in Salvador. My *one* friend in Salvador besides Isaque, and she knows him! It's crazy how our lives are interconnected. I totally beleive that six degrees of seperation stuff!
Anyway, my point is, going to Brazil and dating a Brazilian have opened up my life to all these new connections and I find it pretty neat!
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