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I'm Back
Posted by Elena B. , Thursday, August 26, 2010 10:59 PM
Back home that is. Which means I've left Brazil, and left meu amor. This afternoon, after sulking around the house in my PJ's all day and watching TV, I went out. My mission? Chocolate. Yes, I made a trip to the convenience store a mile down the road just to get chocolate, obviously because it would make me feel better and surely serve as a good companion to combat the loneliness and fill up that empty feeling I had. And what did I come back with? A bag of M&Ms, a chocolate bar, chocolate cookies, and a 6-pack of Magic Hat (beer). As tempted as I was to shove it all in my mouth the moment I got in the car, I had to wait to consume the beer so I figured I'd wait to eat the chocolate too. When I got home, it was nearly time for dinner, and so I actually managed to restrain myself. Since dinner, I've only eaten the pack of cookies (yes, the whole pack), and never even got around to the chocolate. Luckily, dear bf came online in time to save me from gaining 5 pounds (and from gaining a big ole stomach ache) in one night.
Being back sucks. Sure, it's nice to see my family, and to talk to my friends. But despite the pack of cookies and two beers, I feel empty inside. Hollow. If you dropped a pebble inside me I'm sure it would bounce around and cause a as much ruckus as if it were inside a dried out gourd. I want him back. I want us back. Yes, we're still an 'us,' but it's not the same.
What's the next step? We'll have to see. Perhaps he'll come for a visit this winter, but I'm not counting on it, as it's very hard for him to get time off both work and school. Hopefully I'll be going there in March, probably to stay a while and teach English. But that's not an official declaration, as our plans still need to be solidified. All I know is that we love each other very much, and we want to be together, in the same place at the same time, like a 'normal' couple. Is that so much to ask? So we'll see how well me succeed at making that actually happen.
Any suggestions for how to cope with the seperation? I know it will get slightly easier (or at least feel more normal) as time goes on, but right now it kills. It's not even like this is the first time. But it doesn't get any easier.
No suggestions, just lots of good wishes and prayers. Try to focus on the fun you had and will again soon xoxo