I'm just a young woman from New Jersey who went to Brazil and fell in love, not just with the country, but with a wonderful Brasileiro from Salvador, Bahia. This is an account of how our crazy situation of living thousands of miles away is working.
I just have to say a huge thank you to everyone who replied to my last post! I never was really sure why I started this blog in the first place until now. It was so I could be a part of this community of people that share similar interests and experiences in relation to Brazil and Brazilians. I wrote my last post searching for some advice and guidance, but I never expected to get so many responses and to feel so much love and support for everyone! There were a couple people especially who went above and beyond in giving me a ton of advice, even though are simply fellow bloggers that I have never met. I can't tell you all how touched I am and how much it really means to feel so much kindness from so many of you.
As for my plans, well, I'm still figuring it out. I am definitely going to Brazil, and I definitely want to settle in one place, I just have to figure out where. Although I LOVE to travel, and I've been fortunate enough to do a lot of it, I really want to get to know one place well. There are tons of places in Brazil that I'd still liketo visit, and I'm hoping to do a bit of that when I go, but it's not what I want to do for several months and I don't really have the budget for that anyway. At first I was really feeling set on going back to Salvador, but I've been really reconsidering that. I absolutely love the city, but I'm not sure it's worth it to endure all the pain and discomfort of going back there when I could just go somewhere new. At the same time, trying to figure out what other city I'd like to live in and be able to find a job too is daunting. I would love to go somewhere similar to Salvador (particularly on the coast and with similar culture and liveliness), so I'm thinking it would be good to stay in the Northeast.
I'm considering a few places but would love to hear more if anyone has personal experiences or any input on the following places. I'm thinking about Recife/Olinda, because I've heard there's great cultural stuff, lots to do, on the coast, and I think job prospects are good. But I've heard Recife is dangerous (is this more true than Salvador, because I heard that a lot about Salvador, and while it can be dangerous I felt ok most of the time). Plus, aren't the waters there shark infested? I also have heard Joao Pessoa is nice and safe and great beaches, but it seems that there are lots of foreigners there and finding work teaching english would be hard, plus I wonder if it would get boring because it's a smaller city. These three cities are within a couple hours of each other (Recife and Olinda are right next door) so I like the idea of spending my first couple weeks in Brazil visiting these places and at least having a few easy options. Then I'm also considering Natal, Fortaleza, and Maceio, but I don't know much about these places and they seem to get mixed reviews. These cities are further spread out though and I would have to just go to onevand then if I didn't like it I'd have to spend lots of money to go somewhere else.
So...if anyone knows anything about these cities or has any other suggestions of where to go, please let me know!
Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart,
Elena
We broke up. And by that I mean, he broke up with me. Shocked? So was I. I won't go in to all the details because it's obviously personal and I'm not into sharing the most intimate details of my life with total strangers, but I will explain a bit. The past couple months haven't been ideal, but I thought things were going ok. We hadn't been talking as often, or rather, he wasn't available to talk as much, and when we did talk the conversations weren't as great as they used to be. But I figured it had to do with the distance and busy work lives. As far as I knew, I was expected to arrive in Brazil in February (although I hadn't yet bought a ticket) and everything would be ten times better once we could be 'together.'
Well, it turns out not-so-dear boyfriend had been very happy with our relationship and just didn't really feel the way he used to about me. Which came as a shock since he never, not once since I visited him in August, mentioned this or hinted towards it! I was am crushed. Betrayed. I could list a million different emotions that seem to come and go like waves at the beach, but I'm not going to get into that. We dated for almost two years, and now it's over. It sucks. A lot. And thats that.
Except it's not, because now I have to figure out what the hell to do with my life. I've been thinking of/planning on going to Salvador (Brazil) for so long now (about a year) that it became about more than just going to be with my boyfriend. It also became about being abroad, about being engrossed in another culture (did that for 6 months in Chile and loooved it), about perfecting my portuguese, about the new challenge of teaching english, about moving out of my parents' house and being more independent. And now, despite the fact that the major reason for considering this move in the first place doesn't exist anymore, I still want to go. And not just to Brazil, but I still want to go to Salvador. Some of my friends think it wouldn't be a good idea. But I love the city. Then again, I fell in love in the city on my fourth day there and have gone there twice since then to visit someone I loved. So I find myself questioning how much of adoration of Salvador is the city itself and how much it has to do with my state of mind and my relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are things I don't like about it, but there are way more that I do (beaches, relaxed atmosphere, awesome music/dancing, wonderfully friendly people (in general).
Combine that with getting sick of my nannying job here in the states and considering this might be my only easy chance to go abroad for an extended period of time. So do I still go? I'm not entertaining any fantasies that we might get back together if I go, and I know it will be hard in a lot of ways because of all the memories I have there. But I also almost want to reclaim the city for myself. If that makes any sense at all. Should I consider going somewhere else in Brazil? Anyone want to sell me on where you are? Sorry Danielle, but I'm not sure Caipiropolis is the place for me! Would it be better to heal and move in some place new? I don't know....
This just makes my life so freakin complicated. Now if I do go I have to figure out where to live (and either pay for an apartment by myself when i thought I'd be splitting it) or risk moving into a shared apartment with people I don't even know (but maybe they'll become friends?). I won't have someone to help me buy a cellphone. Or to show me how to pay bills. Or to call the landlord when the faucet breaks. Or to help promote me as an English teacher. Gahhhhhh, it's not fair. I hate this.
So I did my best to wait and post this so that it wouldn't be a totally down in the dumps, depressing, complain fest (I know it still kind of was), but I need your help! Obviously this has to ultimately be my decision since I know the situation best. But I would love some input please!
No, not the "Guess what? I made a last minute trip to Brazil!" kind of surprise, that's only in my dreams. But the kind of, "Wow, I didn't expect this, but it's nice anyway" kind of surprise. Let me backtrack now.
So, before my last trip to Salvador, dear boyfriend informed me that he wouldn't be able to pick me up at the airport because he wouldn't be able to get out of work. I was slightly disappointed, mostly because I had been envisioning our reunion at the airport for months, but it really didn't phase me. I told him not to worry about it because I could just take the bus from the airport, something I had already done a couple times before. It wouldn't be complicated or annoying because there was a bus stop right in front of my hotel, I knew the route, and I would only have a small suitcase. He kept apologizing and saying how bad he felt that he wouldn't be there, but I insisted it really wasn't a problem and that I would be happy to see him later on the day of my arrival. Hey, at least then I'd have time to shower and freshen up after a long day of travel!
Now let's fastforward to my arrival in Salvador. I was exhausted after basically an entire day of travel, but luckily I didn't have to wait long at customs or for my bag to arrive. As I exited the baggage area to the area where friends and family awaited their loved ones and taxi drivers held up signs for business people, I glanced around without expecting Isaque to be there but figuring there was a chance he might. I didn't see him, so I continued walking towards the buses, carrying my rolling suitcase with the broken handle (now why didn't I notice that when I was packing?!), when I suddenly heard a female voice from behind me call my name. Surprised, I turned around to see a young woman about my age asking if I was Elena. I said yes, and she told me dear boyfriend had sent her to pick me up and that her parents were waiting outside in the car. I was a little confused and quite tired after my journey, but I said that it was nice of her to come and asked her name. That was when I realized that this was his sister whom I hadn't recognized! Oops, well if I wasn't already nervous enough about seeming stupid because of my portuguese, then this certainly didn't help! In my defense, I had never met her before, and I was tired, and I didn't expect her to be there. Then as we walked out the door, I realized that the parents that were waiting in the car, who were now standing right in front of me, were also dear boyfriend's parents! Yeah, it took me a minute to connect the dots there. I was mostly in shock, because this was my first time meeting his family, and not only did they surprise me but I was meeting them without dear bf there! But I gave them hugs and climbed in the car.
They turned out to be very sweet and took me to lunch at a great por kilo (buffet by weight) place, even taking into consideration that I was vegetarian in their choice of restaurant. We chatted about different things, mostly them asking me questions and me doing my best to understand and answer them. But it was nice, it didn't feel like an interrogation at all, and I figured out that dear boyfriend's habit of buying me food even when I haven't asked for it is certainly a family trait (I got a picole--popsicle out if it!). The restaurant was lovely, and although there were a few awkward silences, I felt really comfortable with his parents and with his sister, who is a real sweetheart. On the way to my hotel from the airport, she even told me lots of information about buildings I had passed before multiple times with dear boyfriend and he had never bothered to mention half the things she told me!
After lunch they were understanding enough to take me straight to my hotel so I could rest, and I finally saw dear boyfriend later that night after a luxuriously long nap and plenty of time to get myself cleaned up. Seeing him again after a whole year of being apart was just amazing! But I want people to actually read this blog, so I won't go into more detail...although maybe I would attract a new group of readers if I did ;)
The point is, despite being somewhat ambushed, I am so glad I met his family and got along with them so well. And in retrospect, I'm really glad they surprised me at the airport, because I was already nervous about meeting them, and if I had known ahead of time when I would meet them I would have worried even more. But this way, didn't even get a chance to stress about it!
I also got to spend more time with them later in the week, this time with dear boyfriend. His mom even suggested going to an indoor feria after noticing how often I asked the names of the cray fruits and especially vegetables while eating. We went to the feria and I got to practice the produce names like sapoti, maxixi, and jilo while his mom bought me fruits I had never tried before.
I was not only surprised to meet dear boyfriend's family so suddenly, but I was surprised at how at ease I felt with them, and that is something that I'm definitely grateful for!
Just thought I'd share that story as something to update this blog since it's been *gasp* a month and a half since my last entry! I was waiting for dear boyfriend to send me photos that we took on his camera during my trip, but that seems to be a hopeless cause! So no photos of the fam just yet, but I'll work on it.
And a big thanks and shout-out to Tricia at Post Cards from Brasil for mentioning me in her "My Favorite Reads" list! If you haven't yet checked out her blog about living with her Brazilian husband in Rio (well, in both Rio and Cleveland), you really should because she's always sharing something interesting.
As a last side-note, I've seen that a surprising number of people visit this blog (way more than I ever expected) so if you're out there lurking and haven't yet left a comment, please feel free to do so :) I promise, I won't bite!
Back home that is. Which means I've left Brazil, and left meu amor. This afternoon, after sulking around the house in my PJ's all day and watching TV, I went out. My mission? Chocolate. Yes, I made a trip to the convenience store a mile down the road just to get chocolate, obviously because it would make me feel better and surely serve as a good companion to combat the loneliness and fill up that empty feeling I had. And what did I come back with? A bag of M&Ms, a chocolate bar, chocolate cookies, and a 6-pack of Magic Hat (beer). As tempted as I was to shove it all in my mouth the moment I got in the car, I had to wait to consume the beer so I figured I'd wait to eat the chocolate too. When I got home, it was nearly time for dinner, and so I actually managed to restrain myself. Since dinner, I've only eaten the pack of cookies (yes, the whole pack), and never even got around to the chocolate. Luckily, dear bf came online in time to save me from gaining 5 pounds (and from gaining a big ole stomach ache) in one night.
Being back sucks. Sure, it's nice to see my family, and to talk to my friends. But despite the pack of cookies and two beers, I feel empty inside. Hollow. If you dropped a pebble inside me I'm sure it would bounce around and cause a as much ruckus as if it were inside a dried out gourd. I want him back. I want us back. Yes, we're still an 'us,' but it's not the same.
What's the next step? We'll have to see. Perhaps he'll come for a visit this winter, but I'm not counting on it, as it's very hard for him to get time off both work and school. Hopefully I'll be going there in March, probably to stay a while and teach English. But that's not an official declaration, as our plans still need to be solidified. All I know is that we love each other very much, and we want to be together, in the same place at the same time, like a 'normal' couple. Is that so much to ask? So we'll see how well me succeed at making that actually happen.
Any suggestions for how to cope with the seperation? I know it will get slightly easier (or at least feel more normal) as time goes on, but right now it kills. It's not even like this is the first time. But it doesn't get any easier.
There's really so much to say about my trip, and about seeing dear boyfriend again, but it's a bit overwhelming. So I'll start with the concrete. I wanted to keep consistenly updated here, but since the hotel's wi-fi hasn't worked since I got here a week ago, that was trickier than planned!
Besides the requisite time on the beach, I've gotten to visit some other cool places during my time here in Salvador. Last saturday evening Dear BF and I met up with a friend of mine from college who is living here, and her boyfriend. We actually went to a party in this little bookstore! It was like nothing I've been to before and not what I expected for my first night out in Brazil (well, first night in over a year). It was this little upstairs bookshop, and they had moved the shelves and covered them all in bubble wrap. The music was kind of a mix of reggae, dancehall, and some other stuff, not much of it brazilian. The DJ was good though, and we had a blast, until we had to escape from the suffocating heat (upstairs bookstores aren't well ventilated the way night clubs are!).
Before heading out for the evening.
Then on sunday, my friend R invited us to a restuarant on the other side of the bay, and then dear BF was nice enough to play chouffer and take us around the city a bit, because R had someone visiting through couchsurfing who was spending her fisrt day in Salvador. It worked out quite perfectly actually, because she spoke portuguese very well and we all just spoke in portuguese. It's odd though speaking to other Americans in portuguese, when you know you could be talking to them in English. Do you find that as well?
First, we headed to Ribeira, a neighborhood in the northern part of the city, and took a little boat over to the other side of the bay to a neighborhood called Plataforma. The boat ride was just so relaxing end enjoyable, I wouldn't have minded staying on there all afternoon!
On the boat over to Plataforma (the two on the left are our friends)
Plataforma is a humble neighborhood (though not a favela) on the water's edge. It has these train tracks that run through it and this cool abandoned building when you first get off the boat.
Plataforma
In plataforma, we headed to Boca da Galinha, a simple, local restaurant that's supposed to have some of the best food around. Dear BF didn't even want to go when my friend R invited us, for fear that there would be nothing for the vegetariana (me) to eat. But I convinced him, and I'm glad I did because it turned out just fine. While everyone else feasted on Moqueca (a traditional Bahian dish of shrimp made with dende--palm oil), I satisfied my appetite with the sides that came with it, mainly rice, beans, and okra. The place was packed--it was Sunday afternoon, after all--and it took us forever to order our food, but we enjoyed ourselves.
Moqueca
Then we headed to the Igreja do Bonfim, which I had been to a couple times, and got the necessary Fitas do Bonfim, which are these colorful ribbons that are supposed to bring good luck and you get three wishes when someone ties it on your arm with three knots. I passed on the tieing it on as a bracelet since the one I got a year and a half ago only fell off about a month ago!
We also had to stop for ice cream (of course!) at the Sorveteria da Ribeira, which is supposed to be the best ice cream in town. They have a ton of crazy flavors, and I got Milho Verde, which is corn flavor! Sounds weird, but it's actually good. Our couchsurfing friend got Tapioca, and that was really good. She also was forced to eat a bite of dear BF's icecream by surprise, but that's another story. But my favorite flavor was definitely dear bf's, condensed milk flavored icecream with chocolate shell on the top. Yummmmmm! Can you tell I loooooove ice cream?
Me trying to steal dear bf's ice cream :P
We were were all ice-creamed out, we headed to this cool fort, sat around, did some people watching, and saw sea cockroaches crawling along the wall. Yup, they're like little cockroaches, but water inhabiting versions. Gross!
After that we headed to Solar do Unhao, one of my favorite places in the city, which has an art museum, is a historic site with old buildings, and is right on the water. It's a great spot for watching the sunset, and appartenly for trying to push the old mini-railcars along the long unused tracks, as we found out. This got quite a laugh out of all of us, especially the Bahiano guys who had been there many times and never thought to attempt this sillyness:
Taking in the nice view (sorry for the quality, it was tricky lighting).
Dear bf had a field day taking pictures the whole day, which I found hilarious because during my last visit, he shied away from the camera every time I tried to take a picture of anything! But I guess he was practicing, because I brought for him this awesome underwater camera from the U.S. (it was only $120, when in Brazil it would have been triple that). We have yet to test it, I think he's scared it'll get messed up, but I've seen other people's underwater videos from the same cam and they're awesome! We're going to a frien'ds beachhouse tonight, so hopefully we'll get a chance to see how it works.
Anyway, during the week I've been mostly hanging out on my own at the beach, which has been nice, but the evenings get a little lonely waiting around for dear bf to get back from classes and not really want to go out on my own at night. I'm am so glad to be here though, and want to take advantage of these next 3 (ahhh, only 3) days here!
I get to see him in less than a week! Finally! It was a last minute trip, just bought the ticket a little over a week ago. It didn't feel real for a while, until yesterday, when I was driving a long way and thinking about him, listening to music, and it suddenly hit me. Yes, we really are going to be together, in real life, in the same place. And it's about time! It has been a year, yes, and entire year since we've seen each other! I can't believe it. In some ways it has been torture, but it also doesn't even feel like that long. But I'm really happy, and I'll be there for a week and a half. Which isn't very long, but hey, it's better than nothing!
Oh, so many things I can't wait for. I can't wait for that first kiss (well not first kiss, but first kiss in a loooooong time). I can't wait to sit on the praia do porto, eating some queijo and drinking agua de coco. I can't wait to sit next to my love and just have a normal conversation, with subtle caresses and slaps on the arm for emphasis, with sly smiles and giggles and all those wonderful parts of expression that can't come across through the internet.
I just feel so grateful that we've finally, through all the ups and downs, gotten the chance to be together again. Only time will tell what happens in the future, how we'll figure out all the complicated parts of our relationship. But for now, I'm just excited, because it's real. It's happening. Yes! And, I will do my very best to keep you updated now that I will actually have things to share on this blog! Anyone have suggestions of things to do/places to go in Salvador? I've done most of the normal touristy things, so I'm looking for other suggestions.
I haven't updated in forever, I know! Well, it's because I haven't had much definite news to update you all on the relationship front. We hit a bit of a rocky patch for a quick minute, but all is well now! I had originally been planning on going to Brazil in September and staying for 6 months and teaching English. But that plan has been changed, and now I'm probably going sometime in the spring (probably March-ish, we'll see). It makes more sense to go then, because I can stay at my Nanny job (it's tiring but great) and save up more money before I go, and dear boyfriend is stressed with a lot right now that should settle down in a few months, so he can actually enjoy having me around.
In the meantime though, there is a really good chance that dear bf and I will FINALLY be seeing each other again! Nothing is set yet (last minute much?), but in August either I'll be going there for a week and half, or he may even come here! That would be wonderful, so he could finally meet my family and friends, and be able to see what the U.S. is like. But he's told me before that he may come (twice) and it never worked out. So I'm not holding my breath. If he can't come, it's fine, I'll just go there, because I already have the time off work. So either way, I'm pretty sure we'll see each other! I'm wary even writing this now though, even thinking about it too much, because it has been so long since we've seen each other and it seems like every time we try to plan a visit, something falls through, and I'm crushed. So until the plane tickets are purchased, visas are granted, blah, blah, blah, I don't want to let myself get too excited. Which is kind of sad, because I want to be excited. But I just can't feel let down again. Not let down by him, but just let down by the situation. So is there hope? Oh yes! But I'm trying to keep it all in, wait it out, even though inside I keep wishing "please make this work, please make this happen!"
The past week has been absolute madness, and really the past month I've been sooo busy (and I thought things would calm down after I graduated, ha!), and that's my excuse for not being active. Let's see, in the past week, I have gotten a ticket for driving the wrong way on a one way street (oops! I swear I didn't know, and no I'm not stupid), driven 8+ hours in one day, that same night gotten a call that my boss was going into labor a week early and needed me to come in to spend the night with the one year old, worked literally around the clock with two, two hour breaks in three days, gotten woken up by a crying baby almost every morning, stubbed my toe and bruised it reallllly bad, and oh, I finally came home to find my laptop dead! See? I told you life has been crazy! Plus, the only stuff going on relationship related was personal stuff that I just don't feel the need to share here (I do have my limits), sorry guys!
So, as more exciting things happen, I will try to keep updated more. And yeah, I say that every time. Well, I'm working on it, ok?
Lately, both dear bf and I have been having work issues. Mine being that I had no work, because I had no job! For months I've been planning to be a Nanny for the summer (U.S. summer that is, June-August). I became a member of several babysitting/nannying websites, and often sent messages in response to job postings. But I received hardly any responses, despite the fact that I am highly qualified! Yeah, degree in education, years babysitting, time spent in many many classrooms, but still people didn't respond! It was also tricky because I'm taking a photography class two nights a week (more on that later) in New York (I live in New Jersey, but very close to NYC), so I'd have to leave work at 4pm two days a week, which is tricky when you have two working parents that need someone there with the kids. Then there were a lot of people who wanted a long term commitment (1-2+ years), which I wasn't willing to do. There were others who only wanted a couple days a week, and I really needed as much work as possible to save up some money because I'm broke right now. Then, there were those who were offering practically nothing for pay, and with my qualifications I wasn't willing to settle that low. Maybe I was being picky, but hey, I think I'm worth something, and I don't think I was expecting too much!
So starting the beginning of this past week, I still had nothing set for the summer and I was getting anxious. I was stressed. I had called a summer camp/family center/daycare I had previously worked for in High School to see if they had any positions open (even with the lousy pay, I figured it would be better than nothing), but they never called back. So I decided to check out craigslist for non-childcare related jobs, and found a couple office jobs that looked promising. On Monday, I called and set up two interviews for Tuesday. Not ten minutes later, I get a call from a woman about a Nanny job! She wanted to meet right away, so I set up an interview with her on Tuesday as well! So yeah, I spent monday night refining my resume and making a few different versions, printing directions, and just feeling nervous. I ended up running around the whole day to these interviews, and they actually went well! One was really intense because the company was expanding and they were interviewing around 30 people at the same time for several positions. I ended up getting offered a full time position there as a marketing trainee, basically going to people's houses and selling them products. I originally went there to interview for a part-time clerical office position! I was pleasantly surprised. At that point, I didn't know yet whether I was being offered the Nanny position, but had a good feeling about it. The family seemed wonderful.
Long story short, I have a job! I declined the marketing position, because it wasn't something I was all that interested in, and the family for the Nanny job seems wonderful and the pay is good, although not as great as the other position. Plus, I wasn't looking for a full time position, just something for the summer (more on that in another post). I'll be working mostly with a 1 year old girl (she is ADORABLE!),and the 9 year old girl when she's home in the afternoons. The mom is also expecting another baby in 6 weeks, so she'll be home, but obviously busy (I don't have to care for the newborn). I'm not worried about the Mom being home because I really like her a lot, she seems great. So that's a releif! I start tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes!
I'm taking this photography class though, and it's cool, but way harder and more time-consuming than I expected! It's film photography, so we process and develop our own film, which is awesome, but really complicated and takes such a long time! It's going to be tricky trying to fit that in with the job because I need to go into the lab (in NY) separate from class to do some of the work. So I think my sunday afternoons and evenings are going to be spent there every week! Once I get some good prints, maybe I'll try to scan them if I'm feeling confident. We have a critique on Tuesday (yeah, this is serious), so wish me luck, I'm so nervous!
Now for the second half of the work woes, which doesn't have such a happy ending, unfortunately. So, aside from being tired of his job as an accountant and kind of bored there, dear bf is having other issues with his job. For months now, we've been hoping that he could come visit me here in July. You see, he works full time and goes to law school at night, so he's busy, which makes it hard for him to come for a visit. But he has 'winter' break from school in July, so he figured he could get time off from work and come then. He works for a state government agency, and apparently after working there for several years (which he has) you get the right to up to 3 months leave. So he applied for leave for just one month in July, and they denied it. He went and talked to them, and they basically said that they didn't have anyone to replace him, so he couldn't leave. Ridiculous! First of all, they owe him that leave, he has a right to it! And second of all, he's an accountant. Now, I imagine he's probably good at his job, but it's not like he's a rocket scientist or something, can it be that hard to find a replacement accountant?? So he appealed the decision, and they ever so nicely replied with, 'well, ok, you can have off in August.' Great. He starts classes again in August. There's a reason he chose July! He told me that it was really unlikely he'd be able to come in August. Big bummer. Ughh, so now he had the visa appointment all the way in Recife (a flight away), and payments already made for that. He was supposed to have the visa interview on Thursday, but we've both been so busy and out and about that I haven't even had the chance to talk to him to see how it went! Not that it matters anyway...
So basically, they're jerks at his job, and I'm bummed that I don't get to see him and that he doesn't get to come here and visit, meet my family and friends, and just get to understand my life better. I can explain as much as I want, but there's nothing like being in a place to be able to understand it. Hopefully someday he'll get here, but at this point, I don't think it'll be anytime soon. So yeah, that sucks.
I'm not totally distraught though, because I do have a little something up my sleeve, and will probably be seeing him in a few months, but you'll have to wait to hear more about that until things are set, I don't want to jinx it!
For the past several months, I have been content. Dear boyfriend and I were separated by a long distance, living on different continents, but I was fine with how things were going. I missed him, but that intense longing that previously consumed me was gone, because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.
Now don't get the wrong idea, there's no trouble in paradise. And most days I still feel content, because despite the distance, he makes me happy, and I love him like I never realized I could love anyone. But today is not one of those days. Not because of anything he did or didn't do, but because it's just one of those days that I need him. A day that I wish he was by my side, and not on the other side of my computer. Today, I graduated college. I wish he could have been there before I lined up with my fellow graduating seniors, to reassure me that no, I wasn't going to trip. I wish he could have watched me walk across that stage and cheer when I received my diploma. I wish he could have been there afterwards, to give me a giant hug of congratulations. And most of all, I wish he could be here right now, while I'm alone in my room after saying goodbye to many of my closest friends without knowing when I'll ever see them again. I wish he could be here to celebrate and take my mind off the sadness that is hanging around my like a little cloud, because it's finally becoming real that I'm leaving this place that has really been home to me for the past four years, and leaving some of the most important people in my life. But he couldn't be here. He has work, and school, and lives waaaaay too far away to just come on over for the weekend!
So for now, I'll have to keep faith that we will see each other soon. But that almost makes the longing worse, because knowing the end is in sight makes me want it to be here already. Enough waiting around, I'm ready. I can't wait for the day when sharing these special events is a no-brainer, because we'll be together, and there will be no question whether we'll be able to see each other.
I'll stop complaining now, because I know that I've got something and someone special, and I'm grateful for that. And I'm really proud of myself for graduating college! I'm just in one of those funks...I guess it's about time, it's been a while since I've really missed him this much!
So I just finished watching the most depressing episode of the t.v. show Private Practice , and I decided I needed to do a little something positive. So why not post to my semi-neglected blog and share/celebrate the fact that I'm graduating college? As a side note, I can't tell you how nice it was to go out last night with friends (I usually work friday nights), sleep in today, and then laze around and watch three t.v. shows! It has been ages since I've done that!
I'm done. I wrote my last paper, took my last final exam, pulled my last (two) all-nighters. What a relief, it was really down to the wire there, so glad crunch time is over!
So yeah, I'm graduating! It's crazy, and great, and terrifying, and sad, and a relief, and by next weekend when I actually graduate, I'm sure I'll be more emotional than a bi-polar, hormonal pregnant woman.
Right now it's just finally really hitting me. Everyone has moved out of the dorms except seniors and reunion workers. I said goodbye to my underclass friends, realizing that I may never see some of them again. And I've been avoiding thinking about leaving my closest senior friends. We still have a week (oh my goodness, we only have a week!) left together. Luckily, we get a 'senior week' gap in between finals and graduation, and me and a few friends are going to a friend's lake house in New Hampshire. I'm so grateful to have this time to spend with my closest friends to just hang out and enjoy each other's company without worrying about the paper that's due tomorrow or the meeting I have to go to in 20 minutes. But it still makes me sad not knowing when we'll see each other again. At the same time, these are some of the people I love most in this world, and I have no doubt we'll stay in touch.
It's not just sad, it's scary too. Even though I have a rough plan for after graduation (more on that in another post), it's terrifying realizing that suddenly I'm supposed to be a 'grown up.' Up to this point, my life has been more or less planned out for me. Elementary school, middle school, high school, college...those were all given things in my life (and I was luckily to be in a position to have that privilege). Now, suddenly, it's up to me. I get to decide. In one sense, that is so empowering. On the other hand, it's overwhelming, choosing the direction of the rest of my life! Now, realistically, I know this isn't 'the rest of my life,' I'm sure no matter what I do now immediately after college there will be surprises and changes. But there is still that pressure of "so what are you doing after graduation?" And actually, I'm pretty excited about my plans. I'll tell you about those later. But I'm not gonna lie, it's still nerve-wracking!
As ridiculous as my range of emotions is right now, I still know that I'm ready to graduate. I love this place, Mount Holyoke, and if I had to decide again I would still have come here, but a lot of the time it is a really stressful environment, and I'm really happy to take a break from academics. I'm tired of studying. That doesn't mean I never want to be a student again, because it's really a special experience and there have been times where I've really enjoyed it. But right now, even though it's intimidating to go into the 'working world,' I'm so ready to be done with papers and exams and reading 23/7.
So here goes....one week left until I'm officially done with college!
So, generally, things have been going really well with dear boyfriend. We're both busy, but we talk as much as we can, and we still enjoy each other's 'company' (in quotes because it's not like we're actually together physically). And he's taking steps towards getting the visa to possibly come visit, which is great. But yesterday, something really strange happened. I learned something about him, about his past, that I had absolutely no idea about! Now, don't let your imagination run wild, it was nothing terrible, he's not some axe murderer, nor was he abused as a child or anything awful like that. And no, he doesn't have a dozen illegitimate children running around. I just won't put the details here because I think he would rather keep that information private (hence the reason he never talked about it in over a year of dating!). But it surprised me. Maybe even shocked me. It was something that was a big part of his life for a while, but I think he'd rather forget and move on. I can understand that, but I felt this strange sense of betrayal. Like he had been holding back from me all this time. All this time, I thought I knew him, knew who he was and what he was all about, and this just threw me off.
Now, I know that wasn't his intention at all, I think he really just had moved on with a different part of his life and doesn't really think about it anymore, and it's not something that comes up in everyday conversation. It only came up because of something relevant made him share it. He said when asked, he'll be honest and talk about it, but it's not something he ever brings up. And he was honest and told me all about it, answered all of my questions without hesitation. I told him that I wasn't mad, but just really surprised, and he apologized, explaining that he didn't mean to hold anything back from me.
In my heart of hearts, I know it is really no big deal. But I still can't help but feel uneasy, like the person I thought I knew is suddenly someone slightly different. And it makes me wonder what else I don't know about him. But then I think about it, and I realize that this is what makes relationships entertaining and interesting, that there is always more to learn about someone, that it is a continual process of learning...right?
Has anything like this ever happened to you? What do you think? Sorry for the cryptic ambiguity, I just don't want to betray his trust and spill out his whole life story to the world, when it was obviously something he doesn't really like sharing even with the closest people in his life!
So, I know I was supposed to stay away from the blog until finals are over, but I just couldn't help myself!
Although I loved the illustration of the two characters floating with the heart balloon, the blog just seemed to boring and normal-looking. I wanted something a little more spiffy! So...here it is, what do you think? I like the tabs along the top, and just thinks it looks so much more professional! I still have a little tweaking here and there to do (anyone know how to make the comments look less squished together), but I think I like it.
I know, I have been completely MIA! Sorry ladies and gents, I know you must have been seriously disappointed, when you looked for my posts every single day and saw nothing! Just a hint of sarcasm there... Yeah, it's been two months (crap!) since I've posted. I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus, and put the blog on hold for now. But don't fret, I will definitely be back! This has nothing to do with changes in my relationship (actually, things have never been better), but life is just crazy for me right now! I'm a senior in college, finishing my last semester. I need to graduate here! Basically, I've been stressed and busy, and frankly, I've felt like I don't have much to write about. All is quiet on the relationship front. Things are great, but I have nothing to update you on. And I don't really know what to write about.
So, come May 24th, the day after I graduate, I'll post again (promise!). By then, I should have some definite life decisions made and I may have some more exciting news for you (think going to Brazil...maybe). But until then, I need to hit the books. Trust me, I'd much rather be filling cyber-space with my ramblings, but I just can't right now!
So, please, wait with baited breath. I promise, I'll be back!
There's something to be said for a really good, long conversation. I had one of those with dear boyfriend on our anniversary, and after a week of craziness due to Carnaval happening in Brazil (and him being out partying for a few nights and then away at the beach without internet access) it was just what we needed! We had hardly talked for a week because of both our schedules and the fact that we only communicate online so it can be hard when one person doesn't have internet access. I was especially bummed on Valentine's day because we didn't get to talk, and we didn't even celebrate it much. That's understandable, because we celebrated "Dia dos namorados," which is the Brazilian equivalent of valentine's day, but in June. Plus, I didn't really mention to dear boyfriend how much of a big deal it is here in the U.S., because I didn't really think it would be a big deal, but when the day rolled around I just felt bummed that we weren't together and that he didn't even acknowledge it (again, my fault). In fact, the only thing one of the few things I got for Valentine's day was a card from my Grandma oh so subtly hinting about how my relationship is a bad idea and going to Brazil would be a mistake, and finding a job in the U.S. would be so much better. But that's a story for another day. Just gotta throw out there though, as much as she can be a pain, I love my Abuela (Grandma), and she's been getting a little better about not being rude when she buds in (buts in?) to my love life.
But, I'm not complaining, because dear bf and I have been having some really enjoyable conversations lately and it's just nice! Not that we don't normally enjoy talking to each other, but I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder...you'd think I'd have figured that one out by now! We talked about the future, about me going there, about him coming to visit here, and about all sorts of funny and entertaining things, including a random discussion of which Portuguese word for 'procrastinate' would be appropriate to use at dinner with the President (don't ask, we're weird). And to top it all off, he got a new computer (a cute little 10in netbook) that has a built in webcam! Which means, it also has a working microphone, so we can actually talk while we're on webcam! And he can use skype to call me. Today I managed to convince him to be less shy of using the webcam (he's generally just not a camera person)and I got to see him for a while, which was so nice. Let's see how long that lasts.
Anyway, things are good. That's all. Okay, maybe not all I'll leave you with this song and music video that never fails to make me smile: Ja sei Namorar by Os Tribalistas (lyrics and translation can be found here)
I haven't forgotten about this blog, I swear! It's the beginning of the semester and I've just been getting into the swing of things, so I got a little distracted! Plus, every time I've thought about how I should write a new post, I didn't know what to write about. To be honest, I still don't really know what I'm going to write about, but I guess I'll just give a little personal update.
Things are still going quite well with dear boyfriend. Right now we're in the process of figuring out the next steps in our relationship and what's going to happen when I graduate this May. As of right now, the likely plan is that I'll find a summer job to save up some money, and then go to Brazil in August/September. I think I'll be staying for about 6 months and teaching English. I would consider staying longer if I thought it were possible, but because of complicated visa issues, it probably isn't. So 6 months it is. I think my parents are happy about that limitation, haha. It should be a bit of a trial run for our relationship, actually being close distance and seeing each other all the time. We're still unsure of what the living situation for us will be, there are so many questions to consider: Do we move in together? If we do, do we rent an apartment, or just rent a room? Is it better to wait and not take that huge leap? Right now dear bf lives with his parents (totally normal in Brazil, even at 25, and is often done until people get married). So we'll see what happens. And of course there's the wondering about how it will feel to be close and not in this LDR anymore. I imagine it might be kind of odd at first, but I know there will be moments of heaven (and probably even a few of hell...but hopefully those will be few and far between!) and I think it will be well worth it.
It's nearly our one year anniversary (yay!) and almost valentines day (boo--I've still never been actually together with any guy on valentine's day, but at least I have someone to celebrate). It's been about 6 months since we've seen each other, and it's actually kind of hard to believe. On the one hand, it's agonizing not to be together, not being able to look longingly into each other's eyes, slip my fingers between his, and do all that sappy but oh-so-enjoyable stuff. On the other hand, I think we've (at least I can speak for myself) gotten used to the distance, and it's become pretty normal. I still miss him like crazy, but somehow I don't feel desperate to see him. Of course, if I had the option, I'd hop on a plane right this second, but my point is that we're making it work, and I think we're about as happy as we could be given the situation! Sadly, it's likely to be at least another 5 months, if not 6 or 7 (eek!) before we see each other again. Plane tickets are really pricey (at least US$1200 this time of year if not more, and almost never under US$800), I have school, he has a full time job and school, so it's just so hard to see each other! The good news is that there is a slight possibility that he'll be able to come visit me here in the U.S. this summer, and while I don't want to get my hopes up, that would be AWESOME!
Basically, it's not an ideal situation, but life is good. We love each other, we're communicating well (hasn't always been so), we miss each other but are taking the distance in stride, and we have hope for the future.
Anybody else out there in an LDR? How are things going for you?
As an aside, I think dear boyfriend met up with my friend from college today, the one who is studying abroad there and delivering my anniversary present to him. He knows that I'm sending something through her, but he has no idea what it is, and was dying to know (but he wasn't hearing a peep out of me!). I can't wait to see his reaction!!!
So, continuing on the theme of my last post (languages), here's another about portuguese. I'm so excited! I get to take a Portuguese class this semester! Finally, I get to take an actual class! Learning on your own is better than nothing, but now I get to continue with that and get some actual instruction.
It wasn't easy to get to this point though, you wouldn't believe the hoops I had to jump through to take a Portuguese class in college! First of all, this is my last semester (I'm a senior) and I didn't think I'd even have room in my schedule for it, but things changed and now I do. I go to a college that is in the "5 College area" and I can take classes at the other colleges as well, which is great because my school doesn't offer Portuguese. So I tried to take a "Portuguese for Spanish speakers" class at Smith College, but its the only class of its kind in the five colleges and is so freakin popular that i couldn't get in the THREE different semesters I've tried! Really frustrating. So then I tried to take the Elementary Portuguese class, but it's a year-long course and they don't accept people mid-year. FINALLY, I was able to register for a class at the University of Massachusetts. It's Elementary Portuguese II, and I'm supposed to have taken the first semester of it, but because of my level of Portuguese knowledge, the professor is making an exception. THANK GOD!
I just feel so frustrated at my level of portuguese right now! I'm fluent in Spanish, so I picked it up fairly quickly, and I've definitely learned a lot, but I feel stuck. I'm at the point where I can have a decent conversation without sounding like a total fool, but I often get stuck on vocab I don't know for non-everyday things and I'm pretty much stuck in the present and preterite tenses. I'm not at all confident when I talk. And although Brazilians have told me "Voce fala muito bem, como aprendeu?" (You speak really well, how did you learn?), I think Brasileiros tend to be very polite and overly nice about that type of thing. I talk to Dear BF in portuguese all the time, but we chat (type) online because it's easier and he doesn't have a microphone for skype. So my writing and reading is much better than my speaking and comprehension. Although I have gotten a lot of help with that from some Brazilian friends here at school, but now a few of them have gone to study in France, which means less practice for me :(. I just wish that it were as easy for me to speak Portuguese as it is to speak Spanish. I think I can get there (or almost there) someday. I don't want to have to be thinking for words all the time, to have tons of trouble telling a story or talking about the future, or always be asking 'O que?!?!' with a confused look on my face. And I'm hoping this class can help bump me up a level in my language ability!
Entao, me desejam boa sorte com as aulas de portugues! (So, wish me luck with the Portuguese classes)! Beijos, Elena
Since, as I've mentioned before, dear boyfriend speaks pretty limited English, I figured I'd write a post about how I've been learning Portuguese and what resources have been useful. Maybe this one will actually be useful to all you readers *cough- all one of you- cough* out there!
Well, I guess I should give some background of how I'm able to even communicate with dear bf. Before I first went to Brazil, I was very interested in learning portuguese. English is my first language, but I'm completely fluent in Spanish and grew up hearing it spoken to me. So I decided to take a portuguese for spanish speakers class, but the class filled up quickly and I couldn't get into it. So instead I bought a ste of those 'learn portuguese!' CD's and listened to them (although not nearly as much as I had planned) before I left. But when I arrived in Brazil, I was totally lost! My first week I was glued to my phrasebook, and fumbled along. But slowly but surely, I began figuring out the key differences between portuguese and spanish and started feeling slightly more comfortable with it. And by the time I met dear bf, after being in the country for just a week and a half, I was able to get by (especially due to the help of my lovely host R, who spoke English and taught me so much portuguese). It probably sounds crazy, but I guess I should also give a little credit to my genes, because my mom is great with languages and speaks 5! Plus, having a significant other who speaks the language really is the best motivation! By the way, I've been teaching myself by practicing with friends (really the best way to learn) and doing stuff online, and I can hold a pretty good conversation now! I struggle a bit, and I'm sure I often sound silly, but I've made a lot of progress!
There are a lot of resources out there to help you learn another language, and portuguese in particular, but these are just a few of my favorite. Please feel free to comment with any that I've missed! So, time to hit the books (or should I say pages?)!
Helpful FREE Language Learning Resources (for many languages):
Since we've spent most of our time apart, chatting online has been the easiest way to keep in touch. Wordreference.com is my best friend, and I keep it open all the time to look up words I don't know (but I'm needing it less and less these days!).
LiveMocha - Although I haven't used it steadily, this website is great! It basically has lessons that you sign up for on your level, then uses a flashcard/picture strategy to teach you words/phrases and then you can do speaking and writing excersizes to practice. But the coolest part of the website is the social aspect, where native speakers can review your submissions and you can chat with them as well, and you in turn pay it forward to others.
The following is a list of websites/blogs that I don't use as often, but still have a lot of great information! In no particular order:
Helpful FREE Language Learning Resources for BRAZILIAN PORTUGUESE:
Street Smart Brazil - The website of a Portuguese language school in San Francisco, that also does skype classes, the blog has a lot of useful advice from native speakers! They also have forums which aren't super active yet, but have alot of potential.
Portuguese Blog - great blog with lots of different ways to learn, including news, music videos with lyrics, games, and more!
English this way! - just discovered this blog recently, and it's targeted more towards portuguese speakers learning english, but just as useful for learning portuguese. It covers phrases and sayings that are less common and can be difficult to find a translation for. Plus, Fabio is really nice!
Eyes on Brazil - this is a blog about all things Brazil, but there are several "Tricky Words & Verbs" entries that are super helpful!
Well, that's all folks! I think that should keep you (and me) occupied for a while! Going through my old bookmarks for this entry I found a bunch of sites I hadn't looked at in a long time! Boa Sorte!
Funny thing, once I started dating a Brazilian (and after falling in love with the country), all things Brazil started to jump out at me. Suddenly my eyes so easily spotted the acai juice on the shelf at the health food store and the Brazilian restaurant in a neighboring town; my ears easily perked up at the sound of people speaking portuguese (wait, "is that portuguese? yup!") on the subway in New York.
But it hasn't just been things related to Brazil that I have been noticing, it's also people! When I got home from my second trip to Brazil in August, it turned out my mom was going to be helping advise a Brazilian girl who was visiting for the year on the same high school exchange program I did a while ago (I went to Costa Rica though). Of course I was excited to meet her, and I shyly but excitedly practiced my portuguese and talked up her wonderful country and showed her around New York a bit. We later ended up going to Brazilian Day in New York (huge festivities, so much fun! think food and music and Brazilians enjoying it!). The same day I met her at the exchange program's event, we both met another girl who had been in Angola for quite some time (a year perhaps) and was engaged to an Angolan guy. A year ago I could have cared less, but hearing that there was someone else crazy enough to be in a long distance relationship and communicate in portuguese was very comforting. Then, of course, there are my friends from college, who I met through a once a week gathering at 'portuguese table' and have since thoroughly enjoyed chatting them up and reminiscing about Brazil! Plus, they always have great language tips and have provided me with a lot of insight on Brazil and its people. Not to mention they're just sweethearts and so much fun! I feel so greatful to have them in my life! I also have a friend from college who studied in Brazil (in Salvador, where Isaque lives), loved it, and is continuing relationship with her Brazilian beau from a distance too. Then there's another girl (who I haven't met but heard about through a Brazilian friend at school) who also studied abroad in Chile, when to Salvador, and is also dating a baiano (a guy from Bahia, the state where Salvador is located)!See? I'm not the only one! I'm telling you, those Brazilian guys are dangerously irresistible, no one leaves Brazil without one!
Traveling in general has made me more aware of how connected we all are, but since going to Brazil I've realized what a small world it really is! Yesterday, I met up with friend who did the same program as me in Chile last semester and was visiting from out of town. She was stying with her college roommate, who joined us for lunch. Turns out her roommate studied in Sao Paulo last semester, now also has a Brazilian bf, and knows two of my college friends who studied in Brazil last semester (one of whom was mentioned above)! Unbeleiveable! Then, I get home and I'm talking online to a college friend who is getting ready to study in Brazil next semester (in the same program as the last girl) and it turns out her host mother knows a friend of mine who also lives in Salvador. My *one* friend in Salvador besides Isaque, and she knows him! It's crazy how our lives are interconnected. I totally beleive that six degrees of seperation stuff!
Anyway, my point is, going to Brazil and dating a Brazilian have opened up my life to all these new connections and I find it pretty neat!
Or that's what I wanted to say when I showed off the photos of the scrapbook (anniversary gift for dear boyfriend) I finished this afternoon. Only one problem: I forgot to take the pictures. Oops! I was in a rush to finish it before meeting up with my friend who is studying in Salvador, Brazil next semester and will hand over the goods to dear boyfriend in February, closer to our anniversary. I'm no expert, but I do enjoy doing crafty things, even though I have terrible follow through and usually leave projects have-finished. I managed to actually finish this one, and in just a couple days! Actually, I did most of it in one day.
Just wanted to share my excitement because I think it turned out pretty great, and I can't tell him yet! So, two months from now, when dear boyfriend finally gets the gift, I'll make him take pictures. Yup, gonna leave you in suspense (gasp! I'm sure that is sooo dissapointing!).
I know I haven't written for a while, but every time I think of it (which, to be honest, hasn't been all that much lately considering holidays and being back home trying to see friends and family) I can't figure out what I should write about.
But now I have a new little project that I'm excited about :) For a few years now I've been a wanna-be scrapbooker. I go through spurts of serious interest and excitement in making a scrapbook, where I go to the craft store (or the 'amazing savings' that for some reason sells scrapbooking stuff) and splurge on papers and special glue and cute little stickers that I really don't need. Then, usually within a couple days or a week, I burn out and shove the photos and stickers and scraps of paper in a box under my desk. I just don't usually have the motivation to follow through and finish a hole scrapbook. It really takes so long!
Although I was just talking about our 10 month anniversary, our 1 year anniversary is coming up soon, and I thought it would be nice to do something special. Since I ended up spending a ridiculous amount on shipping a care package for dear boyfriend's birthday in October (don't ask, there was a packaging mix-up), I figured I'd just write a nice letter or something. But...I realized that a friend of mine will be studying in Salvador for the semester, and since she's in New York (near me) visiting her sister before she leaves, I convinced her (as in, she's sweet and agreed in a second) to take along a little something to deliver to my man. Ok...I'm not making her deliver anything, I'll make him go pick it up...hehe.
So what is it that I'm sending along with her? Well it took me a little time to figure it out, since I wanted it to be small and light, because I know how hard it is to pack a semester's worth of your life into two dinky suitcases and I don't want to bother my AMAZING friend when she's doing me this huge favor (shout out to you, you know who you are!)! So....(drumroll please).... I'm sending an anniversary scrapbook...but wait, it gets better...that fits into a CD case! Yup, one of those jewel cases that I have no use for anymore since I hardly use CDs except in my car. There's a cool accordian folded paper that pops out of the case and expands to hold a whole bunch of mini pages of pictures. I like it because since it's small it can't possibly take that long to make and it's a really cute idea of somehting a little different. Note, this isn't my idea, I found it on this cute site. My design is a little girly because the store I went to didn't have much selection so it's kinda pink....but oh well, I think he'll still like it! It's not like I expect him to put it out on his desk at work or anything.
I'll put pictures up once I'm done with the mini album (which will be tomorrow because I'm meeting said friend in two days for the hand-off of the goods). Let's just hope that they don't ask her at airport security whether anyone asked her to transport anything, hahah. So far I've got the cover done and I figured out the order of the pictures. Now I just have to do the actual pages...
Oh man, my posts always end up being so ridiculously long! I need to work on being concise. So, more (hopefully) coming soon.
Beijos, Elena
p.s.--Sorry if I'm a bit incoherent, it's late! And sorry for the overuse of parenthesis, I got a little carried away!
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