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Where do I go from here???
Posted by Elena B. , Tuesday, December 7, 2010 10:35 PM
We broke up. And by that I mean, he broke up with me. Shocked? So was I. I won't go in to all the details because it's obviously personal and I'm not into sharing the most intimate details of my life with total strangers, but I will explain a bit. The past couple months haven't been ideal, but I thought things were going ok. We hadn't been talking as often, or rather, he wasn't available to talk as much, and when we did talk the conversations weren't as great as they used to be. But I figured it had to do with the distance and busy work lives. As far as I knew, I was expected to arrive in Brazil in February (although I hadn't yet bought a ticket) and everything would be ten times better once we could be 'together.'
Well, it turns out not-so-dear boyfriend had been very happy with our relationship and just didn't really feel the way he used to about me. Which came as a shock since he never, not once since I visited him in August, mentioned this or hinted towards it! I was am crushed. Betrayed. I could list a million different emotions that seem to come and go like waves at the beach, but I'm not going to get into that. We dated for almost two years, and now it's over. It sucks. A lot. And thats that.
Except it's not, because now I have to figure out what the hell to do with my life. I've been thinking of/planning on going to Salvador (Brazil) for so long now (about a year) that it became about more than just going to be with my boyfriend. It also became about being abroad, about being engrossed in another culture (did that for 6 months in Chile and loooved it), about perfecting my portuguese, about the new challenge of teaching english, about moving out of my parents' house and being more independent. And now, despite the fact that the major reason for considering this move in the first place doesn't exist anymore, I still want to go. And not just to Brazil, but I still want to go to Salvador. Some of my friends think it wouldn't be a good idea. But I love the city. Then again, I fell in love in the city on my fourth day there and have gone there twice since then to visit someone I loved. So I find myself questioning how much of adoration of Salvador is the city itself and how much it has to do with my state of mind and my relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are things I don't like about it, but there are way more that I do (beaches, relaxed atmosphere, awesome music/dancing, wonderfully friendly people (in general).
Combine that with getting sick of my nannying job here in the states and considering this might be my only easy chance to go abroad for an extended period of time. So do I still go? I'm not entertaining any fantasies that we might get back together if I go, and I know it will be hard in a lot of ways because of all the memories I have there. But I also almost want to reclaim the city for myself. If that makes any sense at all. Should I consider going somewhere else in Brazil? Anyone want to sell me on where you are? Sorry Danielle, but I'm not sure Caipiropolis is the place for me! Would it be better to heal and move in some place new? I don't know....
This just makes my life so freakin complicated. Now if I do go I have to figure out where to live (and either pay for an apartment by myself when i thought I'd be splitting it) or risk moving into a shared apartment with people I don't even know (but maybe they'll become friends?). I won't have someone to help me buy a cellphone. Or to show me how to pay bills. Or to call the landlord when the faucet breaks. Or to help promote me as an English teacher. Gahhhhhh, it's not fair. I hate this.
So I did my best to wait and post this so that it wouldn't be a totally down in the dumps, depressing, complain fest (I know it still kind of was), but I need your help! Obviously this has to ultimately be my decision since I know the situation best. But I would love some input please!
Elena – I am so sorry you are in anguish. This is the worst ending to your previously uplifting story. Good for you for taking a little time before writing this post. Time is all that heals in these circumstances.
For what it’s worth, here are some of my thoughts on the questions you asked.
Come to Brazil, but steer clear of Salvador. You fell in love with Brazil and a Brazilian. I fear returning to the very sidewalks, beaches and park benches where that happened would be too provocative. Brazil is a big place, much of which presents similar sights and sounds as Salvador (although it is truly a unique city in Brazil).
But be careful, without the support of a Brazilian and their extended family, it can be REALLY tough/expensive to get your feet under you. Definitely plan to live with others.
Perhaps the visit should just be about enjoying all that you love about Brazil – and NOT trying to work profitably. Why stress it. You clearly need a cleansing, soothing, healing break. Travel around the country, meet lots of people. If you try to work you will be chained to one spot and stressed.
Good luck and take care.